I had baby Abigail today, she is my wee favourite great niece and she is only three years old. She is so cute and intelligent and full of conversation, she has an imaginary rat called Segar! She told me how it crawls up her arm and cuddles her and she took it to the zoo and it hates tigers! How cool?
Then she stood in front of my video camera and did a big take on the cult dirty joke movie ‘The Aristocrats’ you can see it on Livedigital. Go check it out.
Then today after she left and I took three hours to clean up the collection of crayons, cardboard boxes and tiny toys that she leaves here, I had to hoover the whole house and wash down sticky fingers off the kitchen units and re stock the fridge.
Honestly this tiny wee child eats like an Alsatian puppy.
Eight wheat free cheese crackers
Nineteen blue berries
A plate of yoghurt with honey
Thirty two pea pods
A plate of chips
A bowl of rice crispies
Then she came over to me and said “Aunty Janey, what is there for dinner?”
I swear she has a wee stomach like a ‘Clootie Dumpling’ (An old Scottish heavy fruit steamed pudding that feeds twenty people).
Finally I have time to myself; husband and I sat on the sofa and chatted as Ashley sat at the PC.
I have realised that she conducts our whole relationship and controls every conversation, even when she is not involved.
For instance, I whispered to husband and Ashley whipped her head round like an eagle eyed prison guard and shouted “What did you say to him?”
“I asked him if wanted anal” I quipped sarcastically.
“Mum don’t be gross, what did she say dad?” Herman Goering interrogator daughter snapped.
Husband is crap at lying and stumbled over his words “Well she ….er…”
“Don’t fucking tell her you daft fucking man” I shouted. I just didn’t want her to hear every single conversation we have, is nothing sacred?
“Tell me dad, what did she say to you?” Spanish inquisition type child asked pleadingly.
“Go back to your fucking Puzzle Pirates; don’t you have a fucking doubloon to earn or a ship to sink?” I argued.
“She told me she missed me when she was away” Husband finally caved under the stress of the questioning looks of his daughter.
“No you don’t miss him” Ashley argued then turned to her dad and added
“She doesn’t even ask for you on the phone dad, she tries to take you away then nags you when she does and then abuses you mentally and then makes you sad”
I laughed as she took over the whole room, I know she isn’t being horrid, she is simply stamping her territory and she loves her daddy so much. I don’t think she will ever leave here and get a man, she owns her father already!
I know that when I am away she is his whole world and I know that she gets a wee bit jealous when I arrive and take over.
I am away a lot just now; I go away again this week to Plymouth. I do miss him and do really miss her – she makes me laugh my ass off.
I thought having one toddler was hard today, my twenty year old daughter is a toddler forever with her daddy -gangster or not…she rules him._