I have finally got the poster designed for Square Street. That’s the sketch show my daughter Ashley and I will be performing at this year’s Edinburgh Fringe. I am amazed at the amount of people who are aghast that I am doing three shows a day, I am producing them and performing them also and I will be on for the full three weeks.
People also forget that I used to run a bar 15 hours a day for 15 years, even during pregnancy!
I am woman hear me roar!
So I have designed the posters and am now getting everything organised for our NZ trip. Though I have had a lot of help from John Fleming who does manage to keep tabs on all deadlines and manages my schedule, which is wonderful. God knows how he has patience with me, when he sends me stuff to be done and I lose it amongst all my emails then find it a day before the deadline and write it, then forget to send it! I do eventually get there though.
I know I can multi task as I was sitting in Ashley’s bathroom having a pee, during that urination I managed to wipe down the skin with a bleached sponge, organise her magazine rack and arrange tampons into the a small box in her bathroom cabinet that sits beside the toilet bowl, and take a phone call! I did remember to wipe and wash don’t worry.
I have become the woman who knows where everything is in my entire household.
It really annoys husband and Ashley, they cannot begin to open and shut drawers or cupboards if I am around as I demand they tell me what they are seeking and I can tell them where it is…this irritates them. Don’t ask me why, I would be happy to have someone like that around.
Even though I am not always living there, I still know where everything is. For example the other morning I was lying in bed half sleep and heard Ashley opening the pine dresser drawers in the living room, then another drawer and then another. I began to shout
“What are you looking for?”
She replied with anger “Nothing, I am looking for nothing…..do you hear everything?”
I shouted back “Yes, now fucking tell me what you are looking for and I will locate it”
Ashley called back exasperated, as if telling me was a problem, maybe she would rather spend more time looking for stuff? Finally she shouts
“Ok I am looking for nail clippers if you must know”
“In the white box in the double cupboard on the third shelf in the kitchen”
I sleepily call out.
Husband whispered “How do you know where everything is in this house? You don’t actually live here full time, do you know where everything is in all the places you stay?”
“Yes, I know where everything is in the world; go ask me where Osama bin laden is?” I answer.
“Ok where is he?” Husband resigns himself to taking part in my early morning humour.
“He is in the wicker box, under my wedding dress that’s beneath the curtain bag in the top shelf of the hall cupboard, behind the boiler” I add and try to go back to sleep.
Husband turns over looks at me, smiles and replies “Do you think he hears us shouting and having sex?”
At that point Ashley has come into the room, holding out nail clippers for me to do her right hand “Ewww…who hears you fighting and having sex?”
“Osama Bin Laden” Husband answers.
“Ok, you two are freaks, I have no idea what you are speaking about” She says as I sit up and clip her long pointy pinkie that resembles a cocaine dealers favourite fingernail.
“He is in the wicker basket underneath mums wedding dress in the hall cupboard” husband adds.
“Who? Osama Bin Laden? Dad shut up, mum please put him in a home, this is the kinda shit he talks when you are not here and it scares me” Ashley stares at him.
“It’s a joke” I add trying to stop my lovely daughter from stabbing her dad with nail clippers.
See I can multi- task; by the way Osama is small spider who lives in my cupboard, in case anyone was worried that I had a beardy fundamentalist Muslim sitting in a wedding dress, beside my boiler._