Sex, drugs and Dogs…
Everyone believes that working in comedy and entertainment is full of fun and sexy nights and drug fuelled parties, well its not.
BUT…last night on the Glasgow Comedy Pub Crawl we did almost have all three.
Firstly there was THE SEXIEST man alive there; he was tall, dark, with that square jawed look, that firm toned body and the most amazing expressive blue eyes I ever saw on any man ever. To top it all he is actually Swedish and a doctor! I went over to his table to chat and as I was doing this my daughter Ashley clocked me and stood behind me, japing me, she was doing a whole coy act, playing with her hair and being all girly. I thought the guy was smiling at me but he was actually laughing at my daughter behind me all the while. Ashley was there to film me on her brand new camera and tripod.
I can’t believe she took the piss out of me and really made me look a fucking stalky old nutter drooling over the cutest man in Glasgow…but she did.
Then I had to go on stage and do a set that entails me not swearing to camera. It felt so odd, it was like wearing the wrong shoes, the wrong teeth and struggling to speak in Dutch….all the while looking at the sexiest man staring at me whilst my daughter was giggling at me behind a camera.
After we left the first bar, we made it along the road to following pub to set up the pub crawl comedy night.
I was walking slowly behind, lost in my own thoughts and was approached by the strange looking, scruffily dressed woman. She had a big gangly, shaggy black dog on an orange rope with her. The dog looked as if it wanted to go North as she was heading South, it actually looked embarrassed to be with her, if that dog could talk it would have said “Fuck off scary old woman and let me go stay with people who don’t eat their own snot”
The woman came over to me, her dog looked away averting my eyes and she grabbed my sleeve shouting “Missus, can you give me five pounds and I will give you a wee bit of hash?”
I looked into her grubby hand and she was holding a small lump of cannabis.
“No thanks, I don’t want any drugs” I looked down and patted her dogs head; it wagged its tail very slowly and raised its head and sheepishly looked at me with big brown soft eyes.
“He is called Mesopotamia” she slurred. That surprised me, she knew a big fucking word!
I really wanted the dog, I would have given her a fiver for that big woolly dog, but the thought of dragging a big dog to a comedy gig put me off. Then the thought of taking it home to a bemused husband who won’t let me keep animals also put me off.
I carried on for the rest of the night getting on and off stage in various bars all the while thinking constantly about that big dog.
I wish I had a pet.
When I got home, my daughter asked me how the rest of my night went as she went off home after the first set in the first pub.
“Mum did you tell dad about that sexy man you were drooling over?”
Husband smiled at me, I winked and Ashley said “Dad, he was so gorgeous and mum was so shameful trying to sexually assault him during the gig”
I looked at her and laughed out loud and replied “When you left he gave me his number, he snogged me in the street and told me in his Swedish accent that I am the sexiest woman he has ever met”
Ashley screamed and said “Did you really kiss him in the street?”
“No, not really I met a junkie and a cool dog called Mesopotamia”_
You are very funny.
The Comment Ninja