WE left the hotel on time and as we got into the car, the tall and very formally dressed doorman told us that Paula Yates had won the marathon.
Me (totally uninterested anyway) “Isn’t she dead?”

Doorman-“No, she was the first over the tape at the London marathon; she was crap in Greece at the Olympics but was amazing today!

Me-“That’s Paula Radcliffe”

Doorman-“Who is Paula Yates?”

Me-“Dead, bye then”

Well -both of them have pissed in the street, so maybe Paula Radcliffe was running in the spirit of Paula Yates.

The BAFTA’s were amazing but exhaustive fun!
Ashley scrubbed up lovely and was so excited, I was wearing a new lipstick and new pair of knickers, both were invisible to the eye to be honest, but nice none the less.
The red carpet experience was great for her; she walked gracefully whilst I shuffled like a geisha behind her.
The actual ceremony was long and a bit tiresome and getting onto the ‘celebrity buses’ to Grosvenor House was fun, all those famous people queuing and running in the rain.

We hadn’t eaten all day and had anticipated getting dressed and getting her ready, I was so nervy and full of caffeine that it was hopeless even attempting to chew food, so by the time we got to the dinner, I was hungry but we could hardly eat at all. (Maybe this is the way to lose weight? Just attend so many ceremonies and get constantly nervous?)

We both ate then danced ( I know, me dancing don’t even picture it, but I saw fucking celebrities dance worse than me)

Ashley danced to at least forty six songs; I could only manage a few as after ten minutes my eye broke. You know that bit of elastic that holds your eye to your brain? Well after a few dances mine snapped and I had a sharp headache and had to sit down and breathe slower.

Ashley on the other hand, has skin that fits her and is full of vitamins and nutrients and can dance for hours and hours.I got tired and chatted to a woman who was very drunk, quite famous and very sad because her man left her….so I cuddled and consoled some actress. Nice…

Here is Ashley’s version of the night, because she met more people and seemed to have more fun than me-

Ashley’s BLOG =============

First of all I would like to scrap my mothers comment: “She scrubs up well” Like I’m some sort of Dickensian street urchin who passed as a princess.

We need to start from the beginning of that day to truly understand what went on. I woke up at nine with and then promptly fell asleep again. Mum on the other hand stole the banana I had been saving for my breakfast, claiming that it smelled funny (a likely story) and went out. When I awoke it was already 2pm and we had to leave the hotel at five so I jumped up had a shower which washed all the fake tan I’d painstakingly applied the day before- off, then Mum did my hair in those roller rod things. I think she enjoys it far too much as they rip the scalp off of you when you’re putting them in.

When we left the hotel mum looked lovely and I looked like an older more wanton Shirley Temple (The hair rollers had worked a little too well.)

When we got to the red carpet we were too early so we got out of the Taxi and walked down to the Tesco’s in our frocks to get some juice because my tongue was sticking to the roof of my mouth.

When we were watered, we walked to the red carpet, I was terrified that I’d trip and fall and the whole world would see the big blue knickers I had on under my thin tights. Mum on the other hand was behind me muttering: “smile and keep your chin up!” I did as I was told and it went surprisingly well. A few of the autograph hunters looked at me as if to say “is she or isn’t she famous?” they soon realised I was not.

The hall quickly filled with, actors, musicians, directors, producers, press and other industry folk. I have to say I was truly taken aback by the sheer velocity of the whole event.

That excitement and anticipation was quickly gone when the ceremonies began and I needed to pee. I had drank the complimentary bottle of water given to me and mum being the daft old woman that she is had immediately lost hers, so I gave her a packet of salty pretzels to see how long it took for her to need a drink so that I would not be the only person needing to vacate the hall mid ceremony.

The awards went by pretty quickly though some said not quickly enough; I don’t think anyone apart from the nominees actually enjoy these things.

The dinner was nice and quite uneventful, we were sitting next to nice people, I didn’t eat the food mainly because I work in catering and I know how haphazardly these meals are thrown together.

The Party was the best bit, mum and I walked into this big hall lit with pink and red lights, at this point it wasn’t very busy, though the music was blaring.

We found a big black patent leather seat which was like something out of a dominatrix dungeon. As soon as we sat down we got chatting to the other occupant of the couch, his name was Gerard and he was one of the Shameless cast. He had to be one of the nicest, down to earth and funniest young men I have met. He took me and my old mammy up to the dance floor, we were the first people to dance and it was hysterical, after about 2 minutes, mum got all arthritic and had to leave the dance floor and me and this guy were left standing there like two great plumbs.

We got bored of dancing to the countless Michael Jackson tracks the DJ was playing so he started doing impressions of what he would be like if he was wearing my high heels, I then had to run to the toilet because I nearly peed myself at the looks on peoples face as this boy staggered around the dance floor pretending to wear high heels.

I have to say that the women there were stunning, and there was me with a Marks and Spencer’s skirt pulled up over my boobs to look like a short cocktail dress, my hair finally dropping out of the tight curls flapping about my head and my mother plodding along behind me, giving any man who looked at me the evil eye.

I settled in a little after an hour, the self consciousness was gone and I found myself dancing madly with half the cast of ‘The Bill’ (long running cop drama on ITV), there were three main points I noticed about these guys:

1) They were all quite drunk and mad.

2) They are all really small (in fact practically every actor I met was tiny, when mum was looking for me she said I stuck out over all their heads and she didn’t have to look hard)

3) The old guys in that cast can seriously dance; the old actors who’d been in it since I was a wee lassie were out- dancing all the youngsters, doing angry hip hop style moves.

It was only near the end of the night that I looked around me and realised my new found friends were the people who I had idolised as a child watching them on the TV screen week in and week out, these are the people my friends scream about when they watch an episode of their show, the people who can evoke tears with one look or line.