What's new with Janey
17 April 2005

Sex drugs and a bacon roll

Its Sunday morning, I have just woke up and I have NOT got a hangover but I know a girl who has. Ashley! Well not a hangover really more a lack of sleep and big sticky face covered in last nights make up, her pillow is the Turin Shroud, i am sure I can see Jesus and Bungle from Rainbow imprinted on her expensive Egyptian cotton pillow case.

We had the best night ever last night. She had a work out and I did an interview for the Independent paper, we then did make up and dressed and went to meet my best mate Monica, who lives in Chelsea.

After a few bars and a few drinks we ended up at a fancy schmancy night club in Mayfair owned by an old friend of mine from over ten years ago, he knew I had a daughter but assumed she was still the nine year old he remembered in pictures of her that i showed him, he was in for a shock!

The club was heaving. Now I cant stand busy mad places because I am over forty and need a quiet room, with space to sit down and fold my jacket, keep an eye on my bag and talk about me for forty six hours. We got a good table that had been reserved in advance and Cristal Champagne was delivered in a big lighty up coloured ice bucket that changed colour every twenty seconds or I saw an aurora borealis in a night club-you work it out.

Ashley immediately brightened up, there was ‘hot fit’ guys everywhere.

What the fuck is it with that combination of Cristal Champagne and Destiny’s Child that makes you dance that much? I dont know, but I danced, Monica danced and Ashley never sat on her ass once!

I saw a young very thin hyperactive blonde girl barely dressed and staggering near our table ( I hate that as they ALWAYS fall on me, I can spot them from 50 feet, they bob and weave and then fall on my table splattering drinks ).

This time I was ready, she seemed to have no real control over her hips or knee joints and her erratic dancing/staggering actually worried me. Five times she got so near she stumbled against the table, luckily I had my bodyblocking technique going on, I covered the table with my body (not hard) and every time she shunted up against us, I held onto the champagne bucket with one hand and table with other, that stopped the lot from toppling. I told her three times to fuck off and fall elsewhere, then I looked at her, she was very young.

I went to the loo and she was in there, she was coked out of her head, she looked about 16.

I started to turn into her mother and watched as a few older guys were passing her about as they danced and touched her, then to my horror, her skinny vest slipped off and down from her shoulder revealing her body more. By this time her body was permanently shaped into a weird ‘S’ shape and she was buckling. I got security to get her out and find her friends to get her home. Luckily, she was with a big group who finally took responsibility for her.

It made me sad, it really was none of my business and who the hell am I to get involved?

Anyway it kinda made my night a wee bit more enjoyable that she was gone and hopefully safe.

When I got back to my table Monica was sitting with the tallest, muscled and cutest black man I have ever seen. Ashley smiled and gave me the thumbs up to indicate that Monica may want some privacy with her new found friend.

They had a dance and I was in charge of bag watch. The club owner came over and we had a nice chat, he could not believe Ashley was an adult and he danced with her and we had more champagne delivered to the table.

Monica came over as I gulped down yet another glass of bubbles! I was a bit tipsy, she smiled and handed me a tiny piece of paper saying “This is his phone number please put it my bag” She promptly went back to dance with him.

I stuffed it into my mouth – I ate it for a laugh, as I thought she was pretending to have his number, all the people at the table laughed as I did it and cheered me on.

We left together and got cabs back to our beds later that night, Ashley slightly drunk and danced out .

I woke up this morning and was horrified to recall eating that phone number.

Monica called me this morning to wake me up and said

“It’s a great day, we had a fun night and somewhere in my bag is a big lovely man’s phone number”

I want to die, what if he was ‘THE ONE’?

I may die._