What's new with Janey
16 April 2005

Atlantic bar

Last night we got on our gladrags and hit the town, well I say ‘We hit the town’ in actual fact Ashley hit the town, I kinda hobbled, as my leg hurts.

It took her half an hour to go from devil to diva, I remained looking like the second stage of ‘possessed by demons’ no amount of Jo Malone body lotion and Touche Eclate’ make up concealer made any difference. The huge marble bathroom has very harsh lighting (and mirrors to show you from all angles!) I felt like crawling under a blanket or just dating David Blunkett whichever is easiest on the eye.

We did have fun in Soho, the night was warm and the city is buzzing with people. We went to my old haunt and where I used to run comedy The Atlantic bar in Glasshouse St. The huge doorman who is six foot five picked me up to hug and kiss me (Meaoow!Grrrrr) and he dropped me suddenly as he set eyes on my younger, taller prettier version of me whose skin still fits her-Ashley.

“Hello, what’s your name?” He smiles and leans down to kiss her cheek.

She blushes demurely, he becomes all manly and protective. I shout “Oi That’s my daughter, hands off, attention on me”

They both ignore me and I decided this might be the time to set fire to my leg to get attention. After some introductions, we walk downstairs. “He is lovely who is he?” Asks Ashley

Me-” Sexy Atlantic Bar doorman whom I have known for about five years, but suddenly he has forgotten me,” I laugh but I realise that I will never be sexy, sassy, smart or anything like that, I am the mother of a child who is now a sexy woman and that makes me ancient.

I watched her walk to the bar to order drinks and I watched men watching her. I dont think I ever had that in my life, I am not being self doubting or self pitying here, but I was never the girl that turned people’s heads. I was the ‘funny one’ that they would chat to, not the tall sexy one they all wanted to date. That does not mean I was never sexy or pretty to some degree but I never had that ‘Head turning’ factor that I see in so many women. It did not make my confidence dip but I just acknowledged it and smiled, I am just me. I am 44 and look what I managed to produce – compliments to the chef – is what I say! There were many beautiful women there last night, all confident and sexy and having fun and that was awesome to see. It’s good to watch them having fun, dancing and not all of them need a man to buy them drinks.

Ashley and I chatted and we bought a few cocktails, I am not really accustomed to booze and two drinks makes me pissed! Ashley went very quiet at one point whilst I was enjoying my pissed-ness and she said very solemnly “Mum I have something very serious to tell you”

Me (heart thumping) “What is it?”

Ashley-” I am a lesbian, I am gay, I am sorry if this is not the time to pick to tell you”

My alcohol levels disappeared, I looked at her and she was quite teary looking, I was not worried but a wee bit shocked, this would explain why she is not bringing home boys or dating.

I looked at her and said “Good for you, what ever makes you happy you know I love you”

Ashley-“Whatever, I am joking, I was awfully bored and you went quiet, how was that for acting, did you see my eyes. I can cry on demand”

I laughed out loud, but then I thought what if she was just saying that and was testing the water, and backed off, did my face show an emotion that made her retract? I voiced this to her and she smiled. “No Mum trust me, I am not gay, probably life would be easier but No, I am not and your face was fine, I am lucky that you would support me in anything, and dad would be cool. Do you think that big doorman is single?”

I am constantly amazed by her madness and I do know where she gets that from.

We are off to the park today to rehearse ‘Smack-The Point of Yes’ as I performing it on Monday in Glasgow.

Will be funny to watch tourists run as I scream about heroin and shoplifters in Hyde Park._