What's new with Janey
13 April 2005

Sex, lies and night goggles.

I am never having sex again, can’t bear the worry. That’s a lie. I will…anyway about the night goggles…well that’s a weird story.
I have an older brother called MIJ, he is a mad bat-face nutter who lives out near Edinburgh. MIJ has had a relationship with heroin and other chemicals for many years.
He is now apparently straight. Despite this problem he is the funniest maddest fantsist in the world, when we were younger he told me he had turned into Bryan Ferry for a fortnight in 1975. I didn’t really believe him, but watched carefully in case he became Donny Osmond whom I loved dearly.
Anyhow, MIJ is funny and always has a tale to tell, he once convinced me when I was six years old that the woman across the street who had just had baby, was lying about her child as she couldn’t actually have babies and in fact what she had in that pram was a wee monkey from Glasgow Zoo. I stalked that woman for days until she eventually asked me why I was trying to peep into her pram and I said
“Can I see your wee monkey please?”
She beat me about the head with a handbag and screamed at my mum “Get your fucking cheeky child away from my baby”.
MIJ called me tonight to tell me he had a mobile phone for Ashley.
Here is the conversation, I swear this is word for word.
MIJ-“Janey, listen I have a phone for Ashley, it has a thermometer, a radio, a camera, a MPC player (dont ask), a clock, a calculator” (At this point he was now just listing the office features on this phone) “A alarm, a thing with a pen on it and night vision goggles”
me-“Night vision goggles? What the fuck?”
MIJ-“Naw, it just night vision actually”
me-“What the fuck is that? I have never heard of that on a phone?”
MIJ-“No joke it has night vision Janey!”
He was now sounding very boastful of his I suppose stolen goods that were being passed onto my unsuspecting child to be palmed off as a birthday gift, he was proud to tell me of this night vision wonder.
MIJ-” Yes I am not fucking joking it has night vision, she will be very impressed, she may need night vision as she is a teenage girl and its a dangerous world, it could stop her being raped”
me-“Hang on how the fuck can night vision phone stop her from being raped?”
MIJ-“Well it means she can see the man in the dark and stuff like that”
me-“Well that could mean she will just be able to identify him which in turn could actually mean he will kill her so he will not got to prison”
I liked this conversation in a bizarre way as NO ONE courts my penchant for disasterous incidents that might happen to my beloved daughter. Whenever I start talking about how she could be hit by a car or mugged or spiked with drugs, sane people like my husband and friends tell me to shut up and stop fucking being so melodramatic. Here was someone agreeing with me and maybe even coming up with some sort of safety device. Albeit my mental spassy ‘Walter Mitty’ brother, I was getting very excited about the ‘night vision goggle phone’
me-“Describe the night vision feature, that sounds awesome”
MIJ-“Well, heres what happens, when you press any key and I mean ANY KEY, a green light is on the screen and you can see everything”
me (now terribly dissapointed at this sudden awareness of what the ‘night vision’ is)-” Its just the green screen lighting up isn’t it? MIJ thats just a light that’s on every phone isnt it?”
MIJ-“Aye Janey, its no even that bright to be honest, if she was being attacked she would need to hold it up really near his face and then it would scare her coz then her attacker would look a bit like the Hulk and that would frighten her so maybe tell her not to do that”
MIJ ( now trying to change the subject)-” Did you know the guy from the Eagles lives round the corner from us, here in Grangemouth?”
me-“Really which one?”
MIJ-” The one with the eye patch”
me-“Was that not the guy from Dr Hook”
MIJ-“Aye thats him”
me-“Is it not just a guy with an eye patch? Maybe a rapist who’s eye got fucked up when someone flashed a green phone screen into his eyeball in a struggle?”
MIJ-“If you are gonna be sarcastic I am no talking to you anymore, and anyway it is him from Dr Hook, I heard him whistle a Dr Hook tune in the post office when I was in cashing my disability book”
me-“Which song was it?”
MIJ-” Walking on the Moon”
Me-“Bye MIJ need to go, see you tomorrow”
I love him and I cannot wait to see him, he makes me laugh like no one else.