I am over week late with my period. I know everyone …click away from the scary subject matter. My legs hurt, I am very hot and as I was shopping trying to find something to wear that covers my giant breasts, I felt sick and need to pee (AGAIN). Then it struck me, I may actually be pregnant, my heart started racing and I stood outside a betting shop ( I know…nice) and vomitted again, this time I brought up beetroot. Then I panicked even more as when I was pregnant with Ashley I had a big passion for pickled beetroot and yes I ate a full tub of it yesterday!
Heart pounding I call my daughter “I think I am pregnant” I shout.
Ashley let out a big sigh “Holy shit mum, you are exaggerating again, do you actually still have a womb? Do you actually still have sex? On second thoughts dont answer that please, now I feel sick”
Then she hung up on me. Two minutes later the phone rang.
“Mum get a pregnancy test and do it when you get home, honestly how can you be so irresponsible? Are you trying to ruin your life?” She sounded like me…but posh.
I walked home and ran through way too many scenarios with variant degrees of shock and panic. Images of me trying to do stand up and vomit with a huge pregnant belly at Edinburgh Fringe.
Images of husband smiling and being over the moon at being a father again ( he would be so happy…weirdo).
Pictures of me being the oldest woman at the pregnancy classes. Visions of me being sad at home with a wee baby and my daughter and husband jetting off round the world with my hard earned cash, sending me postcards and happy messages.
Then a wee image of me cradling a gorgeous black baby with huge brown eyes!
I liked that image, although the explanations would be funnier, how do you explain that you are pregnant to the ‘big black man’ that lives inside your head?
I carried on homeward bound.
I met Dante my mate in the street. Dante used to be part of the rock band GUN and is now in El Presidente, he wrote and performed the title music ‘Point of Yes’ for my play that went to Edinburgh and is now going to Soho Theatre in June.
Dante says “Janey guess what, I have great news?”
Me-“Everyone you know is pregnant?”
Dante-“No, what?” he then looks confused and shakes his head, laugh and adds “We are on Top of The Pops next week with our new single ‘Rocket'”
Me-“Thats great news Dante I am so pleased, well done”
Dante-“We are also playing the John Peel tent at Glastonbury so we can come see you do comedy!”
me-“I am looking forward to watching you guys up there live”
We hug and go to part, then I realise I need yet another pee, my heart sinks with fear and I walk with Dante towards his cafe in Cambridge St. He runs a bistro there with his family and its my daily haunt, I practically wrote my play there and most of my book as I drank too much coffee and helped serve lunch when they got too busy.
I sat on the toilet and felt miserable.
I came out of the toilet singing.
I am NOT PREGNANT!
Hurrah….a good day all round._