You know how when you think back to something…maybe a few years ago and you recall the night you are thinking of in acute detail and you laugh and then you realise it was 15 years ago and not 2009? Yes…thats happening to me – in my mind’s eye I see that am wearing a black velvet long shirt top, tan leggings and ankle boots and dancing with Ashley who barely reaches my chin…that was a long time ago.

Time does go fast doesn’t it? Fuck I am 50 years old…how did that happen? It was only a few years ago I was thinking about becoming a comedian…wasn’t it? No – it was years ago. I remember the first night the TV show Friends came on, don’t you? I remember ER was on at same time and suddenly here were shows that were funny, with snappy sharp dialogue and George Clooney looking sultry was introduced to our world. Just then Oasis smashed the charts and we all wanted to be in London wearing parkas looking moody and being Liam Gallagher’s girlfriend…it was like the 60s all over. Those days are gone, we suspect Clooney might like being single for various reasons and I have met the Gallaher guys – they are …ok and am old now, so are they and a parka looks like pensioner winter wear. I suspect me and Liam Gallagher both make grunting noises getting off a sofa and even he has started plumping cushions when nobody is looking.

In 95 comedy in Edinburgh was all new to me, I recall me and Johnny Vegas catching a ride together to the Gilded Balloon comedy venue trying out for the latest comedy competition. Johnny was my pal and lived in Glasgow. The fringe looked so huge, over whelming and out of my reach and I didn’t know then I would eventually do 14 shows (sometimes 3 a day) in ten consecutive years at Fringe. I didn’t know I would get to 50 and be this tubby round the middle, I can’t believe my boobs are so huge and I have an actual moustache that could be combed if I let it grow.

Did you know the guy who played Luke Skywalker is 60 and sexy 70s heart throb Scott Baio is older than me? Yes- Chachi from Happy Days has white pubic hair…If I am getting the sneaky odd one then so is he. Scary isn’t it, have you seen David Cassidy? He looks like a craggy weather beaten chamois leather cloth; I used to kiss his poster when his skin still fitted him.

I don’t mind being old, this blog isn’t about being old, it’s about forgetting how long ago- the long ago actually was. Do you meet people you went to school with, stare at them and think “fucking hell she is ancient looking” not knowing that she is looking at you thinking “fuck I hope my face isn’t as bad as hers” yes…that happens.

So am still doing stand up, the job isn’t hard at my age, but like the old hooker says “it’s not the job….it’s the stairs” Am off to wax my moustache.

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