Three things happened recently, one was I was bitten by a small child, two was the local minister burnt me with hot coffee and thirdly I have recognised that I have sexual dreams about people I don’t like.
Ok, let’s start with number one, the small feral child.
I was in Boots the Chemist and waiting on husband getting his eyes tested and a woman with a happy baby sat beside me. I love kids so I leaned in and chucked its wee fat chin and the baby quickly grabbed my finger and chomped down hard on the tip. It had teeth, God knows how the mother’s nipples must feel, and anyway I screamed a wee bit and the mother laughed. She was happy it wasn’t her getting attacked by her toothy baby.
Number two was simply me walking out of the local coffee shop and a minister walking back in to get something he clearly forgot whilst holding a cup of steaming hot coffee, he banged into me and the burning milky liquid burnt my tits. “Fucksake my tits are burning” is what I screamed at the Holy man of the Cloth (he didn’t carry a cloth, which would have been good). He stared at me and didn’t attempt to pat my ample boobs; he just apologised and walked off as I still shouted “My tits are roasted here for fucksake”.
Luckily I don’t go to church, so I don’t have to face him again.
The third thing is disturbing me, I keep dreaming about having sex with folk I don’t like, what is that about. I can’t even begin to tell you who it was but suffice to say it wasn’t anyone creepy like Hitler (he is sexy to some people) and it wasn’t a child killer, it was people I know and don’t really get on with or find attractive.
I recall when I was pregnant I had vivid sexual dreams about the man in the park who used to collect the leaves and slept under the bridge eating mouldy bread and had a three legged dog called tripod.
Every other day when I saw him and he would try to piss on my legs (him not the dog) I would scream in horror and run away then scream again when I though about the wild orgasms the man had induced in my pregnant sleep…it haunted me, he was special and wore a round plaster on one eye as it was lazy, like his brain…but in my twilight head…oh he was SEXMAN.
I tried to bring that subject up with the ante natal nurse. I explained to her I was having wild sexual dreams and wondered if it was a pregnancy symptom. She just said to me “Do you know the man you are dreaming about?”
“Yes, I do” I answered
“Have you fucked him in real life?” she asked as she took my blood pressure.
“No, he has special needs and is homeless” I explained.
“Is he good looking” she continued without expression.
“No, he has a palsy of some sort and makes owl noises” I answered.
She stopped at this and stared at me and said “You are sick, that’s terrible and really offensive”
I never got to the bottom of that and the good news is Owl Palsy man died that winter (in the park sadly) and I stopped dreaming about him.
So that means the only way I will stop dreaming about the people I don’t like as I fuck them in my sleep is for them to die.
Life is odd eh?_