It has been 24 hours since I smoked a ciggie and the highs are- waking up without the sound of baby kittens meowing in my chest and the down was –dreaming of being raped by a Rottweiler. I have crazy dreams when I stop smoking, I know it’s just a symptom of it all but really…a Rottweiler? In a caravan?
Yesterday started with a bang. I decided to stop smoking when I opened my eyes; as that thought garnered space in my brain, I thought it also might be a good time to scream at Ashley about the state of her room. The two were not connected; anger is often the first thing on my mind when waking up.
“This place needs gutted and I HAVE STOPPED SMOKING” I shouted at Ashley, I had to shout as she was asleep and looked happy in her thoughts, so screaming was the only way to get my point across.
She jumped out of her cuddle position and sat bolt upright, banging her head against the metal headboard, “Why are you shouting?” she pleaded.
I didn’t bother to explain why I was shouting, it would take too long and anyway I had doors to bang. The great thing about not smoking is your brain becomes clear and you start to spot everyone’s faults with magnificent clarity. Husband throws his clothes on the floor and there is dust on the radiator in the hallway, that needs to be addressed in full shouty mode ….doesn’t it? So I screamed, my smoke free lungs are working well.
Before midday, I had Ashley cleaning out cupboards but husband still slept soundly, this annoyed me, and so I whispered evil words into his ear about death and failure. He woke up later all traumatised with bad dreams and couldn’t figure out why. He congratulated me on stopping smoking and told me how proud he was, in between sobs of fear and failure that had been flooding his head since lunchtime.
I imagined in my head how clean and healthy my lungs were and decided that I wanted my kitchen to match that hygienic look, so demanded that husband and Ashley took part in a spring clean movement that I am initiating this week. Cupboards, floors, units and all surfaces will be scrubbed clean.
“I love when you stop smoking” Ashley said, I knew she was sincere as she was biting a towel to stop the tears of emotion flooding down, knowing that crying would just interrupt our busy cleaning schedule.
She is such a grown up woman, I heard her on the phone saying to her pal “ I need to move out of this place” I applaud her independence and tried to hear more, but she kept moving around the room as I lay commando style on the floor, cleaning the skirting boards in the hallway of course. She swears a fair bit on the phone; I need to take this up with her.
To top it all Ashley is being bullied by someone called Psycho Bob, she was so upset telling her mate on the phone, and Psycho Bob has been making my daughters life hell and won’t let her be. When I get my fucking hands on Psycho Bob, he will get his balls kicked, though am not sure Psycho Bob is actually a man as Ashley referred to Psycho Bob as a “she” in her blog. I wonder what evil bitch is annoying my precious baby.
So anyway day one of stopping smoking has gone without incident really, am looking forward to day two._