What's new with Janey
16 March 2009


My daughter Ashley loves to play this game and it can go on for hours…she asks you questions like this

“would you rather be burnt from the waist down or the waist up to your head?”

Then if you shut her up by saying ‘waist down’ she then argues that “You wont have any vagina” then this goes on for ages till you shout “Shut up” and she then phones her mates and they can actually have a 3 hour phone conversation about that shite.

So I am ignoring her as she is now onto “Would you rather have your arms stuck to your side or your legs stuck like a mermaid” This girl got a fucking great education, why are these questions relevant?

I had a lovely day at the Woman of Influence lunch, there were hordes of very well dressed women there and I looked like a bag of shite coz I don’t do ‘well dressed’ very well.

Basically as a rule, I refuse to pay more than £20 for a handbag and won’t pay more than £30 for a pair of shoes. Now Sex and the City has told us women of a certain age that you will not get cock unless you dress in fancy frippery or Jimmy Choo shoes…I disbelieve that theory. Women will get laid if they just really want to.

I don’t get paying £300 for a handbag…I truly don’t get it, what happens when you carry and expensive handbag? Do other women gasp at you and say “is that a Lulu Guinness bag? Is that worth £400?” and then do you say “yes, it is actually” and does that woman walk away saying “That woman is very fashionable for buying a Lulu Guinness handbag, I love her?”

I don’t think that’s what happens, I see a new picture of Victoria Beckham leaving an airport EVERY WEEK…(she always walks out of airports, its her new job) and Victoria B is always carrying a big fancy dan handbag and I look at it and think, that’s a shame that woman cant eat a yum-yum, she is scared of food and spends her days picking handbags, then I feel deeply deeply sorry for her and wonder what airport she will be walking out of next week.

Primark do great cheap handbags and they carry stuff in it like lipstick, passport, wallets and money, if a woman came up to me and said “Your handbag doesn’t match your outfit, you need some fashion passion in your life” I would probably follow her and throw a hot chip pan at her head so she would get over her handbag worry.

Anyway the fancy lunch I was at had a Mulberry Handbag on auction and it made women squeal when the saw it in real life….I thought Jade had just died when I heard screams, but it was just a handbag on show that did it for them….I stared at the bag and couldn’t figure out why it costs £400. It was a fucking BAG…it wasn’t made of rare truffles or had a special compartment that when opened a sofa popped out, or had a pouch that turned into a caravanette when turned inside out, which to be honest would make it worth the cash. It was just a bag. Yes a bag, nothing else. A Bag that costs £400.

Carrie Bradshaw and Sex and the City women endorse these bags and they tell you life is empty if you don’t get one, well I have a busy full life and get laid and get nice food and have a funny daughter who asks strange questions and I have never been worried that I have never owned a £400 handbag.

So, there we go._

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