I have realised that after 27 years of marriage I may have brainwashed my husband or at the very least wiped out his past memories. He told me that the inner voice that everyone has, you know the voice that reminds you to shut the door or zip up your fly, has been replaced from his voice to MINE!
I now occupy a space inside his head that tells him to ‘Go pee’ ‘Go make tea’ and ‘Don’t talk, she is busy’ that’s a result as far as I am concerned.
How exciting. I hope I don’t tell him to strangle me in my sleep.
Ashley is back to normal and her room looks like Hiroshima post bomb and I believe my entire coffee mug set lives in there with various states of penicillin type fungus growing slowly. I don’t actually want to think about it but I know I must go on a cup hunt and rescue them before they manage to develop a cure for some unknown strain of Asian flu or Foot and Mouth disease. I opened her door yesterday and I am sure I saw a clumpy sad Buffalo stomp around the knickers and bra’s that are strewn all over the floor, it must be eating the left over pizza that is dehydrating on the window ledge beside her DVD collection.
I have no idea what goes on in that room, it’s like Narnia in there.
“Don’t go in there” my husband warned me.
“Was that my voice in your head that told you to tell me that?” I asked him.
“Shut up Janey, stop being horrible” he snapped at me “She is entitled to her privacy” he added.
“Yes she is” I agreed “But she is not allowed to start a bio dome project or city zoo in my flat”
“There are no animals or bio hazards in there, you are being over imaginative” he explained as he led me away from her Door of Doom.
“When she gets a boyfriend she will clean it up” husband said.
“She doesn’t want a boyfriend and never has had a boyfriend and if she did have one he would get lost in there; do you think she hates men?” I spoke quietly.
“I can hear both of you” Ashley screamed “I will never get a boyfriend because of you mum, you scare men way and when they see you do comedy they think I am psycho because of the things you say about me on stage, now go away or I swear to God I will adopt a clutch of scabby disease ridden cats and give you all fleas”
I may to have to rethink my mothering skills, I hope I haven’t stopped her from getting a boyfriend; I was married at her age. She is a beautiful talented young woman and is fed up people assuming she is a lesbian because she hasn’t dated yet.
She did tell me she saw the most gorgeous man in the world in Amsterdam, she watched him walk away and now every man she ever meets will have to be up the mysterious man in Amsterdam’s standard. How hard will that be?
There is nothing worse than having fallen for a man who has never actually spoken to you. Is he gay? Is he a misogynist? Is he married?
She has so much to learn and I think the last person she needs to learn from is me!_