I am nearly very old and I feel it, I am 46 now and truly that is old for being a stand up comic, all the other comics who are female are mostly young and sexy. I know I am old because…
1) I actually use the handles on my bath and now stick my feet onto the bath non slip surface to get a good purchase grip when getting out. When I was young, those rough patches on the bath annoyed me and I hated cleaning them, now I keep them rough with a pumice stone.
2) When I try to tie my hair up with a clasp, the stretch hurts my under arms.
3) There are grey eyebrows appearing and there is one long grey ‘Witches Hair’ growing out of my chin.
4) My knee makes a strange squeaky noise when I climb the stairs.
5) Sex exhausts me for all the wrong reasons.
6) A multiple orgasm may induce a stroke, so I avoid them at all costs and concentrate on flower arranging during any sexual contact.
7) I almost peed when I sneezed last week.
8) There is a big brown freckle on my hand that may look like a liver spot that old people get.
9) The young guys in the street don’t offer me free flyers to get into sexy night clubs; in fact they offer to help me with my shopping bags.
10) Old women on the bus turn to me to chat about the weather and expect an answer; don’t they know I still fancy 50 Cent?
11) I know all the words to Rappers Delight by the Sugar Hill Gang and can recall the exact day in October 1979 when rap first burst onto our airwaves through the radio.
12) I can recall live pictures from the Vietnam War on the BBC News.
13) When I dance, people snigger and listen for my hips snapping.
14) Old men with smelly jackets and tufty hair, ask me for my phone number and use the chat up line “Did we meet at the bingo?”
15) I wear socks to bed and no longer choose underwear for sex value, preferring cotton and easy wash attributes, I used to wear uncomfortable bright sexy lacy gear.
16) My baby niece Abi asked me if I had owned a Penny Farthing bike which we saw in a museum last month.
17) My nephew Shawn wanted to buy me a shopping trolley with wheels for my birthday, because he worries that the weight may hurt my arms.
Life is over for me….please please 50 Cent come get me before it’s all too late for me to bend._