What's new with Janey
12 June 2007

My Head is going to Explode…

I had a horrible migraine, well it’s either that or a brain tumour is slowly building up for a blow out in my head. It was like a giant dwarf inside my head banging away with a sledge hammer.
I had to take the special tablet that the doc gave me ages ago. I am not to take it if it’s just a wee headache; it has to be a stonker before I swallow the BIG pill.
The tablet is kept in a special box in the medical cupboard at my home.

The Ceremony of taking the pill was like George Bush had decided to start a nuclear war and needed the special code that opened the box that let him press the big RED button!
Husband carried the pill through to me and I swallowed it. I waited with anticipation on the impending heart attack, convulsions and swollen tongue that are detailed in the list of side effects. Nothing happened.

I simply fell asleep and woke up with a much smaller gnome in my head that cracked my temple with a tiny toffee hammer. Much better.
So life goes on.

Got my Glastonbury Tickets through, I am performing at the Cabaret Tent next week and am still without transport. I am sure I will get there!

I walked to the post office yesterday to post my book to a mate. Outside the post office were two guys in a van who I recognised as the gardeners that work round our estate. (No I don’t own an estate, I live on one!)
“Hey you are Janey Godey!” one guy called out to me. My hair was a mess, I was pale due to the brain tumour I am growing and I wasn’t quite sure I was wearing a bra, in fact I was still in my pyjama trousers. I grimaced at the thought of meeting anyone when I look like Scary Mary the Mad Cat lady.

“Yes, I am” I smiled through gritted teeth and a dry acrid mouth.

“Listen to this” He waved me over to his van.

Then I heard my big annoying voice belt out of his cd system.

“We have you on cd” he shouted over me swearing on stage.

I was aghast. I haven’t distributed a cd, where the fuck did he get that from?

“My pal taped you onstage at Edinburgh and we listen to you all the time” he smiled.

“That’s a bootleg cd of me, I haven’t sold or made a cd” I answered.

“Shh, this bit is funny, wait to you hear her say this” he told me.

“Mate I fucking know what she is going to say because it’s ME” I shouted back.

They asked me for an autograph and I walked off hearing my own voice laughing in the background. I have been bootlegged.

I may have another migraine._