What's new with Janey
19 October 2005

I Am Nasty…

There is nothing worse than having your own husband teach you how to cook 25 years after you get married to him…I mean, it’s a bit fucking late eh? He never gives up trying to show me stuff….

I remember in 1979 he tried to teach me how to use the brand new pressure cooker he bought me. I was horrified at the noise it made, this seemingly innocuous stainless steel pot turned into Stephenson’s Rocket and began hissing and spitting like an angry swan.

I was so scared I ran out of the kitchen, we shared the house with my old Grandpa…it also scared the shit out of him and he served time during the war in Burma, he saw dead people and shot people, yet was scared of a hissing pot as well. Pressure cookers are scary objects and I don’t care how quick it can cook beef, it made my blood pressure so high I had indigestion and cooking fucking eat the speedily cooked cow meat!

So husband was showing me how to cook today and I now know how to make mince and vegetables. This lesson was a waste of time really, as when I am not living at home; I live in hotels or apartments and don’t actually cook. I live like a messy teenager when I am away, I don’t understand this really, coz at home, and I need everything tidy. When I am in London or where ever, I throw all my clothes on the floor, I sleep in a woolly jumper, hair in a big pony tail, face full of make up and eat biscuits under the sheets!

On another note, I was in the big department stores looking at perfume and make up stuff. Is it just me or are you people sick to fucking death of ‘Celebrity Endorsement’ fragrances? Honestly…from Beckham to Beyonce, they all have a scent ‘just for you’. What utter shitty bollocks! What the fuck does David Beckham know about ‘top notes of bergamot’? And if he does know…why does he know?
What kind of man who is supposed to be consumed by his sport and family has time to ‘sniff out woody scents?’ David explained it was his ‘Signature Fragrance’ and it would let people relate to how he smells and what he likes…we all know what he likes…skinny anorexic women who DON’T smell of chocolate!
Just another reason to slap that man when I meet him.

We all know that the celebs have no real input whatsoever in the perfume process; I would like to see real people get their own signature fragrance and the smell would remind them of you like…

Jodie Marsh- her scent could be called ‘Clubz an Tits’ and it would have top notes of sperm with a hint of Marlborough lights.

Tom Cruise- His scent would be called ‘Straight Man’ the base notes would be footballers sweat with overtones of lube.

I am sure you could all add to this list._