What's new with Janey
26 July 2005

Sex noises at 3am NOT ME!

Finally after getting to sleep and trying to mentally rake through my brain to make sure NO nightmarish ideas have been lodged ….I lie there and get disturbed by loud

“Aaah, aaah YES YES!” coming from my car park.

My bed is directly beneath my window and my window is open. I start to think maybe someone is being beaten in the back yard or maybe some evil seagull is doing a late night Aria? Then it slowly dawns on me it’s someone or some people having sex…are they in the car park? Tucked behind my new car?

I lean up and stare out of my window…half hoping NOT to catch them but strangely seeking where they can be. My back yard/car park is built on a ‘Coliseum’ type set up, a huge circle of flats that are tall and the entire estate make a complete O, so any noise is immediately thrown up and echoed round the area.

There is no one there, then I see a bedroom window flung wide open, therefore the noise coming from that flat will bounce and the acoustics will carry it loudly round the houses! I am now secretly worried that….

a) I don’t make too much noise

b) My window has been open in the past

c) Why are they STILL having sex after half an hour?

Anyway I make a mental note to shut my mouth and my window in ALL bedroom activities…still the noise continues…it sounds like some fucker is beating a gull to death OR some dude has PORN up very loud at his window?

The past noise from my bedroom would probably only be ME shouting, arguing and getting on everyone’s nerves.

Me-“Turn that fucking radio off”

Me-“Give me the fucking duvet ya fuckwit”

Me-“Stop snoring or I will hit your eye with a toffee hammer”

That’s all you would actually hear from me. Talking about snoring, I read in an old magazine that OLD people read (it was in the doctors surgery) it said a good cure for snoring is to sew a solid WOODEN COTTON REEL into your husband’s pyjama’s and he would never lie on his back again…

NO because that would twist his spine and give him a fucking stroke…OLD people are cruel…a COTTON REEL???..sewed into your JIM JAMS??? wot is wrong with elbowing him in the ribs?

I am off to eat dinner, no more eating straight from the pot, no more eating half naked at the TV table. Husband is home, I must go dress in taffeta, white gloves, and a full underskirt as I sip Sherry and set the table with a linen table cloth and polished cutlery…I hate being posh._