I am growing hairs on my face…funny I know-BUT I dont want to be known as the bearded lady. Why the fuck is small dark hairs growing under my chin and yet grey ones are growing on my head? I am scared to check my pubes in case I have a poon-nanny that resembles Don King.
I have to face it that I am growing old, and I hate it.
Meanwhile Ashley is looking lovely and sniggers when I tweeze hairs from my chin…She laughs at my floppy tummy and guffaws at my grey hair…what she doenst know is..
THIS IS HER FUTURE!
I have yet to work out why bra’s will only support my huge knockers if they can equally strangle and torture my ribcage. I also dont know why I am growing love handles on my back..what the fuck is that about? I hate me today. Yet I still get laid…ok by a man who has loved me since he was sixteen and has grown old with me. I want Brad Pitt to lust after me, is that too much to ask? Probably.
I am pig sick of the market for magazines that display extraordinarily skinny lollypop headed celebs..I dont know if I can stop eating cake to look like some starved skinny boy. I do wish I was slim and pretty but it wont happen. I like cake.
So today I went to visit my old friend Janie-she is Patsy paton in my book. She is the gutsiest, spunkiest sharpest woman I have ever known. If you think I had a hard life you should hear her talk for a while. Anyway she came with me to Borders books as I was off to sign some copies for the store.
Janie stood back and watched then giggles as she picked up a random book that looked like it had weird writing on the front and she shouted “Look Godley, this book is called ‘How to be an idol’ I think I might buy that one”
I looked closer at the title and said back to her “It actually says ‘How to Be idle’ Janie”.
We both laughed our faces off…only she could come up with that one!
Janie is still the same woman I always remember, before I married my husband she was his fathers girlfriend and throughtout our courtship and eventuall marriage, Janie was always a port in a storm for me. She knew what I was going through time after time and consistently supported me and looked after me. I love her. She has never changed and still shouts at me and tells me off and still loves me without prejudice. Thats a mate!
We went shopping and when I told her I was off to Rome tommorrow she asked me to buy ‘Roasary Beads ‘from the Vatican.
me-“No that Nazi Pope annoys me” I sniggered.
She slapped me on the back of the head and called me an ‘Evil atheist with no hope’ but laughed at my candour. I realised that she needed her religion to keep her company as much as I needed my disregard for the church as mine. I will get her Rosary beads, she will love that gesture now she knows how much it annoys me to buy them.
I have packed all the clothes that I need to cover my fat flabby bits, I will go see the Vatican and will make that sentimental journey to the famous fountain from the film song ‘Three Coins in a Fountain’ as my mammy loved that film and when I was small she was enchanted by the scenes of Rome and always wanted to go there.
So in pilgrimage to my dead mum, I will see the things she never got to, I will sing the song in my head and think of the woman who danced in my childhood home swirling her skirt and imagining herself sitting on a Roman street. I may be fat and old, but I am still here._