What's new with Janey
27 April 2005

Yorkshire pudding and tampax stories

This is weird I know, but as I walk home each day from town, I pass this big bush just past the wee school. I hate going near ir as it extends onto the pavement and scratches me.

Three weeks ago as I walked past it I looked down and there on the ground just under the bush and clearly visible was a big ‘Yorkshire’ pudding. One of those ones you get frozen from supermarkets usually filled with sausages etc. It is about the size of a small side plate, you know the kind?

Anyway I remember looking at it and thinking…how the fuck did that get there? I mean it’s not a snack food, you would have to cook that at home and bring it out and throw it on the ground, so I started to imagine scenario’s as to how it got there.

Like maybe a husband was thrown out by his wife and she chased him with his dinner and threw it behind him?

Maybe some anorexic had been to dinner at a friends house and slipped it into their bag and dumped it before getting into their car?

Anway, this is not the point I am trying to make.

Yesterday I walked home and under the bush, the YORKSHIRE PUDDING is still there…NOT mouldy, not eaten by rats or birds BUT intact and still brown and crisp looking!!!

A few reasons for this are

A) It is a genetically modified food that never deteriorates, it is full of so many warped genes that even rats wont eat it.

B) Someone daily puts out a big yorkshire pudding for a small rat community and I just happen to be there before it gets noshed.

C) It is a plastic prop from some food programme and I am too stupid to tell the difference.

I have no real idea, but if it is there tommorow I will take a photo of it ( which will make me a scary geek).

On another note, I was chatting to a mate who collects Airmiles, this made me smile, because husband was obbssesed by Airmiles a few years ago, to the extent that we had to shop only in Sainsbury’s as they gave Airmiles points with food purchases.

This is a true story…I am not proud but here goes…..

Sainsbury’s used to do ‘Special Offers’ on goods to get you to buy more and save the Airmiles, one day we went in and there was a special deal on 50 Airmiles with boxes of Tampax. Aspergic husband worked out in minutes that if we bought loads it would mean Sainsbury’s were in effect actually paying us to have them! (dont ask me, I know nowt about figures).

He stood there in the supermarket aisle, looked at me and asked in a loud voice ” When do you stop having a period?”

me-” When I am pregnant I suppose”

him-“NO, I mean menapause thing”

me-“I dont fucking know, are you trying to work out how many periods I will have to justify buying 8 million tampax?”

him-“Yes, but it’s ok cause luckily I have a daughter and she will have years of periods”

At this he filled up the trolley with hundreds and I mean hundreds of Tampax boxes, Ashley ran away from us in shame and waited in the car. I stood there bemused. He was challenged at the check out where a silly manager realised that my husband was making cash out of buying the Tampax.

manager-“You are not allowed to buy this much sir”

husband-“dont call me sir, you dont know me and there is no sign to say so”

The manager slunk off and other customers watched as he counted the boxes for the assistant.

husband (very loudly at checkout) ‘Is there a sell by date on these?

me-” No, women dont care how old something is, they will still stick it up their vagina providing it does the job”

I wanted to die as he loaded up the car way past the windows with Tampax. Ashley sat on the floor of the car and refused to carry them upstairs.

A year later we all flew first class British Airways to Los Angeles/Las Vegas and San Diego on the Airmiles aspergers man accumulted and we have still got enough Tampax to last another year! He ain’t all bad!_