Stuff me and my daughter have learned
Things I have learned in my life- by Janey Godley & Ashley Storrie- below is a list of things my daughter Ashley and I compiled for your perusal, we have travelled around the world a bit and seen some stuff and shared some experiences and this is our list. Enjoy.
1. Screaming at toddlers when they fall doesn’t stop them crying or bleeding.
2. Asking loud drunk people to be quiet on the train makes them want to hit you.
3. Hugging rabbit’s really tightly kills them.
4. Telling a small girl about age four not to repeat the words Fucksake doesn’t work, she will repeat those words and usually in front of the one begging nun that stands outside a shop.
5. Hoping that the spot on your nose will disappear in time for a photo shoot.
6. Assuming middle class people to be well behaved drunks at a comedy night (they are worse, that self centred sense of entitlement makes them horrible).
7. You don’t have to be white to be racist.
8. False eyelashes rip your own eyelashes out, now you have two problems.
9. Spot cream does kill spots and unfortunately all the skin surrounding the spot way after the spot has faded.
10. Sanitary towels are designed to fold over accidentally and then stick to your pubic hair and rip it out when you pull down your knickers, it’s just in case you aren’t in enough pain already.
11. Walter Matthau and Saddam Hussein is not the same person, never get them mixed up in the picture round of a pub quiz.
12. Crotch less pants are just damaged goods.
13. If you pronounce the word VAGINA with an ‘F’ at the start instead of a ‘V’ it makes it ten times funnier.
14. Standing on stage screaming about a woman that hurt you in a monotone voice doesn’t make you a comedian, even if your drunk pals, told you it was ‘ridonkilously great’
15. Being Jewish/Muslim/Christian/Scientologist doesn’t mean you are right.
16. Never have sex on your friends suede couch…just don’t.
17. Screaming drunken football chants doesn’t make random strangers like your team.
18. Buy hotel internet, its expensive, but then claim it didn’t work and demand a refund- they can’t prove otherwise.
19. Cough loudly and in a sick manner, sweat profusely and moan when on any form of transport to ensure solitary seats, don’t overdo it or they think you have swine flu and don’t let you travel.
20. When on a busy train platform talk to people and create an allegiance so that when crowd surges forward you as a group can get seats for each other.
21. Hide a child’s favourite toy and pretend it went away and it won’t return till they eat cauliflower.
22. Always fart in the bank queue- no reason just do it.
23. If a man comes onto you and you don’t want to hurt their feelings because you don’t fancy them, tell them you are into fuzzy humping (dressing as animals and fucking) or tell them you like sex and pain on a daily basis. That usually works for me (Ashley Storrie).
24. If you hate cooking and people keep talking about recipes and a good idea for a quiche blurt out you can’t have children and are barren now, to get them off the subject.