This year has been odd for me, I haven’t put up a tree, I didn’t bother with presents and Ashley is away at her mates for Christmas. That’s what’s happening in my life. Husband and I had some small dealings with dad who was in and out of hospital with his impending hernia op (which still hasn’t happened) so we weren’t really Christmassy!
Oh and something I found out, old people in Glasgow are all incredibly racist- my dad is convinced that the reason he didn’t get his emergency operation wasn’t because the hospital was busy, but because Polish and Romanian people are hogging all the NHS beds. He moaned and shouted about foreigners taking over our country and got all racist and angry. It didn’t help that his surgeon was Polish and tried to calmly explain why they couldn’t operate this week. Dad was purple with vile angry racist shit being kept inside his mouth, for if nothing else he isn’t mental. That’s the man who will actually cut him open at some point. My dad is no fool.
We bought some nice food and I did my last Christmas gig on 23rd December and we got prepared to stay in over the seasonal holiday.
I had some odd experiences at the comedy Christmas shows. I don’t know if you know but we have a telephone exchange box outside our front door that belongs to Virgin Media. The problem is the box buzzes really loudly if you don’t believe me here is the link on YouTube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ppB4SoNVGDY&feature=related
Anyway, I contacted Virgin by email, twitter and phone. I also got the Glasgow council noise pollution people to come out and check the constant buzzing out. The guy who attended was appalled at the constant horrible noise and has made a formal complaint. Ashley and I have both had terrible headaches and my migraine came back after 2006, it seems the low level constant buzzing is making us ill.
So I was onstage the other night and 25 guys were sat on the side and as soon as I walked onstage they all started doing a loud buzzing noise. The audience were startled and I have never been heckled by a big bee before. Anyway turns out they all work for Virgin Media and for some reason they ALL know I complained about the buzzing box and decided it was funny to scream about it at a comedy club.
“Guys, you work for a major corporation, it’s not a small privately owned local company that I pissed off and as soon as Sky + takes over Glasgow you lot are out of a fucking job, I don’t understand why you are annoyed that I complained about your multi Million pound company that pays you shit wages” It’s like some burger scraper getting annoyed I pissed off McDonalds.
The guys started heckling again and doing buzzing noises and howling with laughter, the audience all stared at me scared. I shut them up and got on with the show. Later on as I was walking past the Virgin Media table one of the big men offered to shake my hand, which I was happy to do “Fuck you bitch” he screamed and made a buzzing noise and all his mates started laughing and slapping each other on the back pointing and laughing at me.
At this point all I could say was “you are a grown adult man, what is wrong with you?” Just as I went to walk away the man grabbed me and at that point the bouncers threw him out. They were so ready to spring him, I couldn’t stop laughing and as he was taken away the rest of the audience made a buzzing noise!
What I don’t get about that whole situation was this, why would employees of a huge fuck off corporation take issue with a woman who had a valid complaint? To round this story off in a Christmas fashion I have paid someone to batter the box with a sledgehammer and take out the whole computer system within, it will am afraid- knock out 3,000 phone lines in the West End of Glasgow, which I am not one of, I am with BT- anyway on Christmas day when 3,000 people scream at Virgin Media and have to get emergency cover, then I think you will find that I will be hanging out of my window making a buzzing noise, and pointing and laughing. Fuck you Richard Branson! (This is obviously a joke).
Meanwhile in our flat the storage heater in the living room has broken, I know its broke because we took it apart and saw how fucked up it was. Like the thing not working wasn’t enough I had to dismantle the whole heater, drag out bricks and finger broken elements and finally declared “That heater is fucked”
We are now heating the whole room with one small floor blow heater, the bedroom is frozen also, as Glasgow is actually 7 degrees below freezing. So we now are basically shoving hot water bottles up our asses and are piling blankets on the bed. The covers are so heavy that you can’t turn in bed, it’s like behind crushed under concrete. The ice and snow is so thick on the ground outside that we all now walk like deformed pensioners. Am worried dad will go out there and fall on his head, so he has been well warned. We are waiting for the snow to go and we are hoping to get a new heater soon.
Other than that Ashley and I have been planning our Adelaide trip and I am organising my one woman show at Glasgow comedy festival in April, you can check out links to both on my website www.janeygodley.com
So I hope it’s been a good Christmas for you all out there, hope all is good and safe in your world and if you get bored you can always listen to our weekly podcast (again check my website) and let us know what you think about it._