Ok shall I bore you with how good I am for not smoking up my own lungs? I don’t think you want to hear that do you? You want to hear about my plans for the future don’t you?
I am planning on going to live on the island of Mustique which is a small private island in the West Indies. I recall back in the 70s and 80s all the naughty Royals (the ones that fucked men and women and took heroin) used to hang out there with rock stars. I recall seeing these debauched women in leopard print bikini’s with big floppy white hats hanging over skinny young boys with an air of ‘smack’ about them, it was so Jackie Collins!
That’s how I want to get old, fucking young guys on an island in the sun. Not sure how husband will take to this situation, but I probably wont do anything like that, I just fancy the image of me on Mustique full of crack and champagne!
I will probably get old by ending up on the island of Rothesay with a woollen cardigan, playing bingo in a furry hat, getting drunk on Crabbies green ginger ale and shouting at young men to get out of my way as I piss my own tights.
Talking about young men- I had a twitter fight with 50cent the US rapper last week! I goaded him about his dirty sexy talk and he replied
“Janey Godley yo take yo big ass to sleep if you don’t like what am saying”
Yes, 50cent is obsessed with my big ass indeed!
Had fun with dad this week, he is getting old and lovely with it, but he now has a tendency to tell Ashley loads of stories I cant censor, like him getting put in jail during his national service for fighting in the barracks, or him getting drunk as a young man and smashing up a local bar…you see I didn’t know these stories, turns out my dad was a fucking crazy violent drunk!
Now Ashley can cope with these tales of madness and debauchery she isn’t her father’s daughter for nowt! She witnessed us getting dragged out of her other granddads house by the police when they found guns that belonged to him years ago.
But she just didn’t know her sweet wee granddad on my side of the family was a nutter on beer years ago and is slightly shocked at his tales of mental madness. My dad has been sober for nearly thirty years now and I am so proud of him.
Anyways my dad called and said “put the bloody news on Foo Man Chu has been released from Tenko” which loosely translated means
Aung San Suu Kyi has been released from house arrest in Rangoon. My dad gets things mixed up.
Meanwhile back in my world, I had a weird day last week I thought you might want to know about. On my way into town, I fell on the road and nearly got hit by a car at the motorway entrance at Charing Cross! I just fell with open palms slapping the concrete full on like a twat and a car didn’t see me and almost got on top of me. I jumped up like a ninja and frightened the poor driver, you should know that the entrance to the M8 is all cross roads and busy as hell at that part of the city.
My heart was pounding and a car nearly ran into the car that nearly hit me as he braked suddenly, anyway a man ran on the road and grabbed me by the hand and got me onto the pavement.
All the traffic moved off like nothing had happened. The bloke made gentle reassuring noises as I checked my handbag, my palms and my knees for injuries. I was just frightened to be honest and he was very patient with me, bless him.
I stood there a bit shocked to say the least and the bloke rubbed my hands for me, he was lovely and being really kind. I stopped fussing and gibbering and finally looked at him to thank him and then realised it was a guy I hated from my bar years ago, he was much older but it definitely was the mad wife beater from Bridgeton!
How do you thank a violent man who kicked his wife’s baby to death inside her for saving YOU from a busy road fall? It was awkward; I just stared at him, pretended I didn’t recognise him and walked off slightly shocked by the whole thing. Wasn’t that odd? Am sure he recognised me and I am sure he knew I knew him, but I was just all over the place!
Strange story…but there you go. Doesn’t really have an end to it, just an odd story for you!
So life is getting better for me, the non smoking is going well, the diet and exercise is coming along nicely and soon I will fit into a leopard print bikini. That’s if I stop eating late night biscuits._