So, I got back from my mental train journeys and my trip around the country. I realised it was time for doctors catch up, which means when am away from home, I write down all my symptoms and then get a last minute docs appointment and barrage her with my list, occasionally checking her face for ‘cancer sympathy’ looks. I am always convinced I have a deathly illness that they have overlooked. Despite this deep paranoia I rarely get things checked, so at least my doctor was surprised to see me. I sat down and pulled out my piece of paper as she rolled her eyes, but tried to keep a straight face.
Here is my list.
1. Blood shot pulsating painful eyes – her answer ‘I need glasses’
2. Sticky itchy ears – her answer ‘I have pus filled infected ears and need antibiotics and a spray for them’
3. Green poo (yes that’s right) her answer – ‘I have had food poisoning and need to do a sick poo test’
So I had to get my poo on a small stick and take it to the doctors. Yes, people you read my blog deal with the consequences!
To top it all, Glasgow had another mini heat wave so I was full of strong antibiotics and knackered; I had to fly to London as I was doing a slot at Comedy Store. I actually felt like someone who was filled with green poo and pus….great news eh?
To take my mind off all of my problems, I went over to take wee great nieces Abi and Julia out a walk in the park.
Abi is seven soon and wee Julia is four.
The park was full of lovely middle class mummies all gathering at benches chatting and watching over climbing kids. Except for one mother, who ignored her wee blonde child who I like to call ‘mental’ as this wee chubby thing was smaller than Julia was pushing and pulling all the wee ones off swings and watching for their reaction.
Julia is so dainty and careful getting up the slide, whilst Abi is a proverbial monkey who clearly has 20 toes and will climb anything with skill and dexterity.
Julia finally got to the top of the stairs and ambled over to crouch onto the slide, just then Mental open palmed PUSHED her forcibly, I caught Julia’s arm, she was shocked and horrified and slid down slowly with giant blue eyes agape.
Mental came hurtling down behind her, kicking her back, I looked around for Mental’s mum but there were so many folk. Mental then grabbed our pink stroller and tried to throw it on its side, whilst watching my face for a reaction.
I knew it wasn’t the child’s fault, so kneeled down and took her wee chubby hands off the buggy and said “No, don’t do that” Julia was still staring petrified of Mental the Toddler Pusher.
Just then a skinny woman with a tight sports track suit came dashing over. “Don’t touch my child” she shouted.
Julia clutched my leg, Abi scrambled down a tree and belted over to see what was going on.
I continued prising the wee girls hands gently off the pram in case she pulled it on herself. I ignored Mental’s mum as the kid then pulled all the jumpers out of the pram and threw them on the ground. Mental stared at me for reaction, I ignored her and spun on my heels at the mum and said “I will not touch your poor wee child, but you get a grip on her or I will touch you and not in good way”
“Excuse me?” she yelled.
“Don’t make me repeat it, keep an eye on your wee girl, she clearly needs attention and so do you” I snapped.
Abi said “you’re wee girl is Mental”
Julia repeated ‘Mental” and pointed at the wee girl who was now emptying a hand bag belonging to someone else and scattering its contents on the ground.
“I am sorry if I offended you, I didn’t know she had some problems and I apologise if I hurt your feelings” I explained as the wee girl was now trying to wrestle a dog to the ground as its owner tried to drag it away.
The mother said “She is just expressing herself; maybe you could learn a lesson from that”
“Ok, you are MENTAL not her, how’s that for expression?” I said and took the kids out of the park and headed to the shops for an ice cream.
As we passed the side of the park there was a sign that said CIRCUS coming to Queen’s Park. Abi is now a very good reader and shouted “Look Aunty Janey a circus is coming”
Julia clapped her hands and screamed “yes!”
To which Abi stood stock still, pointed to the sign and said “No, Julia, not a good thing, do you want to see baby tigers being made to jump through hoops of fire and wee monkeys in frilly skirts being made to dance?”
Julia stood there with huge eyes and said “yes, I do Abi”
Julia didn’t know Abi was a 7 year old circus protester, Abi didn’t know she had Julia hooked on ‘Tigers jumping through hoops of flame’ both of them stared at each other, finally Abi gasped “I need to teach you about bad circus’s Julia”
Then Abi went on a rant about how clowns have ‘bad make up’ and are actually scary and frighten kids. I couldn’t stop laughing all the way home as Julia kept asking to be told about dancing monkeys!
I do love being with the kids.
The show at Comedy Store was awesome, a huge bunch of nice comics and me trying to be funny, hopefully the audience liked me and it sounded like they did. But as Ashley always says, a crowd of people baying for blood and screaming with laughter is much of the same noise; it’s up to the performer to know the difference!
They did sound like they were laughing.
The heat in London mixed with the strong doses of antibiotics was making me slightly nauseous, but I had a good time.
Hopefully the green poo and ear gung are going to be a distant memory, but not for you reading this, no doubt it will stick in your mind much like evil clowns do in Abi’s head.
This weekend am at Glasgow Stand doing my thing, hopefully will see you there._