I despise sitting on a crowded train and we all know first class is empty with just one fat bloke touching his willy in there, enjoying the solitude as he alternated with fingering his silk tie and fighting the good fight of keeping his spectacles on his sweaty nose as his upper body shuddered. I merely walked past him and headed off to find the manager to ask about an upgrade.
The train manager sat in a cubicle watching the solitary man in first class touching himself on her personal CCTV in her wee special manager’s cubby hole. “Can I get an upgrade to first class please” I asked.
She never took her eyes off the CCTV screen
“Yeah if you have a hundred pounds to spare?” she muttered as she watched the grainy screen.
“Really, that much to sit beside a lone masturbator?” I said as I nodded at the screen she was watching- the man was no longer fumbling…he was wiping his hands.
The train manager’s head snapped straight at me “I beg your pardon?”
“Him on his own in the yellow shirt in first class, he was having a wee fumble when I walked past him” I answered.
She glared at me through narrow eyes and said “Maybe you need to clean your filthy dark mind; he could have been adjusting a colostomy bag or dealing with a clothing issue”
“Or touching his Willy in the privacy of his empty carriage and pretending to have a clothing issue” I smirked.
We weren’t friends after that, she never discussed my need for an upgrade, she merely snapped the door closed and I went back into first class to annoy the man who liked fumbling in an empty carriage. I just walked up and down lots so he couldn’t get into any type of rhythm.
Back at my seat however, there was a rather zonked out young woman with a small boy, she was boring him to death about all the details of her journey. He finally got fed up and said” I hate you am going to find another seat bitch” turns out he was her son.
She then had the worlds most irritating ring tone and when she answered her phone, I am sure people in Botswana could hear her call. The whole busy carriage were staring at each other wide eyed as she proceeded to tell whoever was on the phone to here EVERYTHING she had done that day since actually waking up in the LOUDEST voice in the world.
So now am in London finishing this blog that was started on a train, and the world is ok.
Tonight am at Jongleurs Covent Garden gig, which am heartily looking forward to.
Things for the festival are heating up, am wondering about getting PR as normally I do it all myself…but sometimes I just think…I might do it…and then think…maybe I won’t.
Who knows…odd blog I know…but watch this space._