My Husband has gone straight!
My husband noticed that BT Vision weren’t sending bills as he went through the accounts and decided to call them. He didn’t mind he had to pay them when they found out we weren’t being charged as he reckoned two things – 1) They would soon notice and we would get hit by a huge bill and – 2) He really likes receipts.
My man loves receipts more than anything else in the fucking world, as they represent cash spent and therefore represent less tax to pay when doing the accounts.
Now I don’t like that he called BT Vision, I preferred it when we were bent…hang on I have just noticed something, ‘bent and straight’ doesn’t always refer to the nasty euphemism of being gay – it also means being crooked and being law abiding!
Anyway I recall the old days when we were rather ‘bent’ and rarely did anything legal, now this new found ‘straightness’ annoys me.
I know the old days are over, but fucksake I still find it hard to pay full price for anything.
When we owned the bar in the Calton we had a rather ‘dubious’ lifestyle, but all that’s gone now, we are upstanding straight law abiding nice folk who might eventually get invited to bake cakes for the local Church. Ok that won’t happen; I have gone straight –not mental.
Husband is one of those men who when he is asked “Do you like my new top?” he immediately says “Did you get the receipt for that? Where is it?”
He then goes through all the receipts and shouts out every three seconds “Why did you buy another jumper, six quid for lipstick? Who pays 17 pounds for a hairbrush?”
This goes on for days during the sexy tax season, and by fuck it makes me want to drink bleach and die.
To add to my ‘I want to kill husband feeling’ this morning he came to bed at 5am (he was going through receipts) he disturbed me no end with his constant turning about, burrowing around and fucking really annoying fidgeting. He stuck his freezing cold hands down the back of my pyjama bottoms and wrapped an icy foot round my calves. “Ohhh you are warm” he said loudly, because clearly the fidgeting and frostbite wasn’t enough to wake me up.
But then I take everything back, coz I was supposed to go see my dad this morning but I was exhausted and husband got up at 9am, wrapped an eye mask around my head and went to see dad himself and he only got three hours sleep. So he is forgiven and I am technically a moany old bastard.
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