I got married in a drunken way
Been missing in action lately am afraid, been busy and wild in NZ. Here is the thing…I am not a big drinker, two gins and am pissed, sick and crying for my dead mammy. People know this. Yet the past week, I have actually drunk more than possibly in my entire life time. Not that I did drink copious amounts, just enough to make me giddy, which isn’t good as I had kids 11am shows at the weekend! Yay…kids shows with me tired and slightly dizzy.
The shows at Classic have been going great guns, lovely busy shows with nice Kiwi folks and a smattering of Scots swinging by to hear me talk, all good. But the weather has been shit so I was in lockdown mode at Sky City Hotel, which although is nice, I don’t like living in a casino. The hotel staff is wonderful and the lady PR is awesome and so well connected, more about that later.
Then more good news, Scott and Bridget who own Classic and brought me over for festival delivered a bonny baby boy last week. He is ridiculously beautiful and just such a delight to us all.
So, back to my high jinkery, Dan Nightingale is here and I adore him. We never met much in UK but he is just such a funny wee fucker to hang about with and his infectious humour cheered me up, so I drank shots. Yes, shots. I got rather drunk spoke shit and ambled back to the hotel at 5am basically every night over the past weekend. Time catches up with you, trust me,
So Saturday was party night at the Classic and after THREE shows I ended up back at the bar. Mickey D, Jason Cook, JJ Whitehead and all the guys were doing their late night show in the basement, which was just a bunch of folks high on life and …booze, it was intense is all I am saying!
Yet it is funny to watch performers at varying degrees of fun-ness do their stuff, made me chortle a bit. So we all ended back up at Classic, I had at least two drinks, but that mixed with tiredness tipped me over the edge. You know it’s bad when young people come up and say “Janey are you going to drink tonight?” Apparently I am hilarious on booze, fucking should go onstage more drunk then? No, that’s just sarcasm and tiredness talking.
The blokes from Puppetry of The Penis turn up, I for some bizarre reason ended up dressed in a bride’s veil, pole dance and had a mock wedding to a penis bender and got dry humped from behind. Strange that everyone was pissed drunk one minute yet managed to have HUGE cameras flashing when I slid down a pole dressed in a bride’s veil (where did that veil come from? Who was dressed as a bride?). The barman shouted “I have a photo and we are off to Facebook Ashley” that sobered me up quickly!
The night ended in all decent behaviour my new fake husband was a gentleman and treated me lovely (after dancing like a horny dog at my bum for a wee while, can’t wait to see the pics!) To be honest he got very drunk and wandered off with another woman (men can be cruel) and I got into bed in enough time to get five hours sleep, which was enough to get back up and do another kids show. I love screaming kids; I never knew my ovaries and kidneys could actually twitch. But they do when kids scream that loud. Yummy, my favourite thing!
Today, I moved to The Sky City Grand Hotel Suite (thanks wonderful ladies in my life), which is awesome and just amazing. I have two plasma screens (one in each room) and a full working kitchen. Thanks Sky City, you make me smile in places people can’t see.
I bought fresh lamb, salmon and salad…no more living on cheese Grain Waves for me, real food is on the cards people.
It’s the last week in Auckland and then I get to go home. My drinking and marrying strange men days are over. Jason Cook, JJ Whitehead, Mickey D, Carey Marx, Dan Nightingale and everyone else I have missed out have been a great support network of buddies and I have had such a fun festival this time around. Jason Cook is going to swim with sharks and then jump off the Sky Tower, I am thinking of buying socks. People like different things.
I wish the weather had been better as I holed myself up over the past few weeks watching the rain batter down. All I needed was two dangerous dogs a dead junkie and I was back in Glasgow.
Ashley had a busy week and I missed it all, I am missing my family like hell – but here is a tip, booze does NOT numb the pain, it only makes you mock-marry men who can make the Cutty Sark with their cock. Just a warning people, just wanted to put that out there!_