London has unusual folk in it; I was in Sainsbury’s on Cromwell rd and saw a wee man who had a giant growth hanging off his neck. It was bigger than his actual head and rested on his shoulder. I was gobsmacked and horrified that I looked at this giant ball thing. But I couldn’t stop staring; basically it was a big bloated shiny taut skinned beach ball of human skin and fluid just sitting there on the man’s shoulder. He seemed ok and was happily fingering some broccoli as I stared at him from different angles.
I wondered how he managed to get through his day with a big cumbersome fluid filled human growth hanging off his neck everyday. I can’t leave the house if I spot a blackhead in the magnifying mirror. I will dig into my own flesh till I get the fucking thing out and here was a wee man with a ball bigger than his head being accommodated easily! There was a lesson there but I couldn’t quite learn it as I was too busy staring.
Then I had a meeting with Francesca the wonderful make up artist at Kennington tube station. We were headed to Steve Ullathorne’s studio for my new pics to get done. Kennington tube station doesn’t have much near it to hang out in but I did find a bar.
The pub had just opened and a middle aged looking woman was screaming at her wee kid as I entered the bar. The wee boy stuck up two fingers at his mum, she ran round the bar grabbed him and said words in real cockney that I didn’t understand, but I think she was calling him a fucking wee bastard…I am guessing.
She smiled at me and said “Fucking school holidays innit?”
The bar was empty but for me, her, her annoying son and a black skinny woman who was cleaning the floor. The skinny woman, finished her chores, got a glass of beer, sat down and drank up. I looked at her from the side and she had the biggest bulging eyes I have ever seen on someone. I began to think this was the week for meeting people with strange body anomalies.
She turned to look at me and I gulped down my cola, as full on her eyes were truly scary. I know it must be some medical condition that bulges the eyes so big to the point of almost bursting out of their sockets, but it was really worrying to look at.
The skinny black lady with bulgy eyes was now surrounded by the other females who worked in the bar. The women were recalling a nasty situation that had happened over the weekend and the bulgy –eyed lady basically ranted and called everyone a cunt that had upset her group of friends. She was hopping up and down on the damp lino, re-enacting what she would actually do to these ‘cunts’ that had ‘fucked’ her mates about. I was worried that all the stomping would make her eyes fall out, so I stared more in case I missed that.
Then the women ripped out a photo of Jade Goody from the Sun Newspaper and made a wee shrine and stuck it on the wall. They cried a wee bit and hugged each other as they recalled their favourite Jade moments and I watched on.
Luckily Francesca arrived and we left the bar to go find somewhere to eat as that pub didn’t ‘do’ food, which to be honest I was happy about. It was a very scuzzy looking street and that’s rich coming from someone who comes from spam sucking scum Glasgow.
That area looked really run down BUT we basically walked up ONE street and there were middle class people playing Boules on a small grassy square as a woman groomed a horse!
Ok, it wasn’t a horse it was a chocolate brown Labrador, but it looked like a horse to me. There were restaurants that served food that Francesca and I didn’t even understand!
We still don’t know what a ‘tart dulexe with black cabbage friguay’ is!
How can an area be so divided by such small geography? One street had bulgy eyed screamers crying over Jade Goody and the next street had men in mustard yellow corduroy trousers talking about Japanese sculptures!
Anyway, we ate food we did understand and headed off to the studio where Francesca made me look ravishing.
Except I do have a big wrinkly eye lid and in my magnifying mirror no amount of make up was going to hide it.
My stomach sank as Steve got up close with a big lens into my face; I know he will catch the wrinkled eye lid.
So after I got over my own facial disfigurement I headed off to the Bafta offices where I attended the Comedy Debate, which was less of a debate and more of a moan about Ross/Brand. The good news is, I got to see lovely Bennett Aaron and Michael Legge (who has a rapey type shaved head) showed me a nice picture of Jerk on his phone, she looks lovely and all pointy nosed, pointy toed and cute. She looks like a ballerina dog.
So, finally I got home downloaded Steve’s photo’s of me and there as big as fuck is my big wrinkly eyelid!
The photo’s were awesome, and yes my wrinkled eye lid is there in full blown glory, but I need to understand that it can be concealed a bit, unlike the poor man who had an extra head in the Sainsbury’s or the scary lady with the bulgy eye illness in Kennington._