Nottingham has been relatively fine. The lovely Steve Williams (who I think is fucking ACE and one of the funniest Welsh speaky type comics on the circuit) is just a blessing to watch, his Dolphin noises routine made me wee a bit into my knickers. Marc Theobald is wickedly wonderful and Smug Roberts makes me laugh from somewhere deep inside.
I had a nice night; the Nottingham police party were noisy chatty cunts and deserved to be shot at point blank range in the head. I was Mc and ticking along fine. Then a skinny nice bloke got up to go for a pee and I sung a wee song in a funny light voice ” Look at the nice man in a tight shirt going for a pee” the man then theatrically danced (if I say ‘minced’ that would be homophobic trust me read on…) then I sang ” he looks slightly gay” THE BLOKE at this point shouted “Slightly Gay?” and danced and laughed and I sung on “and he is off to go to the loo to arrange all the toilet rolls into a lovely pyramid” The audience giggled and we got on the second act and then went to a break.
I went for a ciggie when a woman came over to me and said “You are funny but do you know everything you said tonight was incredibly homophobic?”
I looked at the lady and gasped “Everything? Everything I said?”
“Yes, I am a dyke and I need you to know that you were really homophobic and because of people like you saying stuff we get beaten up in the street” she insisted.
“Ok, please tell me all the stuff I said that was homophobic as I take criticism like this seriously” I answered.
“Everything” she snapped.
“Ok…my stuff about laughing at the Asian terrorists setting fire to their hair in Glasgow terror attack, was that homophobic? Or was it me asking the pregnant woman about her baby? Was it my stuff about my daughter being middle class? Was it me saying I have been married 28 years and to keep sex alive I fuck other men? Was it me asking the two different police forces to fight each other for our entertainment? Was it me saying I look like an over friendly cleaner? Was it me saying my tit was sore? Was it me bantering with the sexy guy at the front and asking him questions? What exactly about everything I said was homophobic?” I asked her.
“Well it was when you said the guy going to the loo was gay” she blurted out.
“Well that was one thing not everything and he said he was GAY” I answered.
“You don’t understand you are being homophobic” she argued.
“Were you offended when I laughed at terrorists being shit at organising a terror attack and setting fire to their own hair?” I asked.
“No” she said.
“Well, then you only got offended at the one thing that you felt affected you, I find that offensive” I said.
So I went back on stage and apologised to the man who I suggested was gay, he laughed and took a bow and the crowd happily carried on clapping as I brought on Smug Roberts.
Later on as I was leaving the show the lady who had complained got me again and gave me another lecture about my homophobia, to be fair she was trying to be reasonable in her argument but in the middle of it she said “Now I know you are a lovely person and its good to see a woman go up on stage and do that job, you have great balls” at this I stopped listening as she was now being sexist but apparently me singing a wee ditty to a bloke who was going for a pee who danced about incited homophobic rage on the streets of the UK and I need to listen up and learn.
“When you say homophobic stuff onstage it gives people the right to abuse us on the street” she cried.
I stopped listening and tried to walk off stroppily but I was wearing wellies as it was raining and I just looked like a nutter trying to flip flop away from an angry woman in denim. I walked back and hugged her and told her I took on board what she said but I will always say stuff that is offensive to someone onstage, whether it be about their accent, their job “what media studies? Is that a job?” or whatever…I will offend someone, even a knock joke can be offensive._