I remember about twelve years ago, I went to a private therapist to talk about the sexual abuse I had suffered as a child.
I didn’t really want to go but was advised that it would help. This was a new age type of holistic therapy. But it was recommended and although I was hesitant I tried to open my mind and try it.
On meeting the woman who was my one-on-one therapist, I immediately felt uncomfortable. She had that overly bright smiley look that makes me think of people who are on Valium or who are eternally happy over nothing.
Anyway she hugged me (how odd) and then sat me down and told me that before she could asses me we had to do some exercises!
I had just finished an eight hour shift in my busy pub and didn’t feel like being a tree or whatever the fuck she thought I wanted to be.
Anyway she stood me in the middle of this floor in a big empty room and handed me a small hard rubber ball. There was big circle in blue on the opposite wall and she told me to throw the ball at the circle, and then tell her what made me sad.
I was so fucking tired and couldn’t be arsed with this, I couldn’t see how being raped at five could be solved by lobbing a ball at a wall, but I thought I shouldn’t be churlish.
She told me before I threw the ball that anger is a controllable emotion, that it is natural and expressive, so not to feel strange but to feel ‘safe’. Then she smiled serenely, nodded her head at me, then opened her arms and hummed loudly.
I stifled a giggle.
I decided to take her words on board and I lifted my arm up and with all my strength I battered that wee ball towards the wall, it hurled in the air at an amazing speed, the sheer force of it hitting off the wall made a big popping sound.
The ball smacked the wall, ricocheted back and hit the woman right in the eye.
She fell on the floor and went into the foetal position and gasped in pain.
I stood there not knowing what to do, why the fuck did she stand in the room with her arms open, she looked like a target!
“Are you ok?” I asked.
She jumped up and held her eye with both hands and screamed at me “You have probably damaged my eye, why did you throw it so hard?”
“I was raped” was all I could say.
I laughed so much, she screamed more at me. All I could do was grab my coat and run out.
She was right; it did make me feel better._