What's new with Janey
04 April 2007

Tales from London…

“There is a Scottish pub in Fulham, lets go round and watch the Celtic match” Husband suggested as we walked through Chelsea in the sunshine.

“I hate football pubs and hate anything Scottish in another country, it’s all too patriotic for me” I moaned.

So we went there as my words mean nothing.

It was a tiny wee bar, on entering we saw loads of small fat people in Celtic football colours and we knew they were Scottish as that’s our national shape and sport.

We got crushed up against the bar and I stared at the screen that took up the whole wall as I was quite into the football.

I do love football as a sport, but being raised in sectarian Glasgow, it always makes me feel anxious, due the violence that it caused over the years.

Catholics and Protestants, Green and Blue, Celtic and Rangers all hating each other….that shit never goes away.

I was five minutes in the place when an Oriental man came in with big bag and scrambled his way through the crush.

“Oh Chinky Chonker come here” the wee fat man with a big stretchy green and white hooped Celtic shirt shouted and clawed his way through the throng to get to the Oriental man.

I was aghast…I looked at husband and we both gawped at each other with huge astonished eyes…who speaks like that to people nowadays?

Clearly Glaswegians in London is the answer.

The Oriental chap merely smiled and pulled out of his bag a bunch of bootleg DVD’s, it can a stereotyped view but in the UK the majority of bootleg DVD sellers that go round bars selling their goods are from The Far East.

Fair enough but to call him Chinky Chonker man is hideously insulting.

The Oriental man chatted to the fat bloke and they swapped cash and DVD’s.

“This better work better than the last shite you sold me Gonga Din ya Chinky Bastard” the wee fat man laughed and the Oriental man smiled and stuffed the cash into his pocket.

“You Japs need a good talking to my man” the Scottish bloke added.

He was clearly unsure of the man’s nationality and went for every pop at his roots. The man could have been an Eskimo for all he knew.

I sat there ashamed at my fellow Scot and really wanted to scream.

Then the irony of the situation kicked in because there on the football screen was the wonderful Celtic player Shunsuke Nakamura scored a goal for the Glasgow team and the whole place went crazy.

“The Man from Japan is a genius” a woman screamed as the people jumped up and down in the crowded bar in joyous celebration.

The DVD seller threw up both his arms and shouted in the best English accent I heard that day (including mine)

“Yes! Go Nakamura; show the British how to play football”

He hopped around in excitement and said to the gathered and now astonished crowd “That’s how you win games, hire a Chinky to score for your team”

The man left the bar yelling with happiness that his countryman had scored for a Glasgow team, the Glaswegians in the bar had no idea how to deal with that information and I thought I was going to piss the seat with laughter.

Now that’s a result a football match that will take years to beat in my opinion._