My brother had a consultation today at the cancer clinic (he has cancer; we weren’t there for the social benefits).
I love my brother but he is nuts…in a good way.
“Janey I have a…” Mij broke off halfway through a sentence.
The women near us looked up and stared at my brother wondering what it was he was going to say, you see Mij talks loudly and is funny/mental and has a history of drug problems and kinda tells it like it is.
“I think the cancer was brought on because I have a…” he broke off again; he has a really irritating speech pattern!
“Menopause” he muttered and pointed his finger up with delight at recalling the word he had lost.
The other women in the waiting room looked up and smirked.
“When did your period stop then?” I asked sarcastically and added “Does your ovaries hurt?”
“Shut up Janey-stop saying the word ‘period’ really loudly, fucksake that’s embarrassing and aye my ovaries do hurt” he hissed. The women across from us started to giggle; I caught their eye and smiled with them.
“Mij, you need to know that you don’t have ovaries and only humans with a womb can have a menopause…you know like WOMEN” I spluttered through my laughter.
His face was crimson, he dropped his head and mumbled “Not menopause, I meant something else…I canny remember now” he started laughing and the women joined in.
I shook my head and went over to the tea bar in the hospital and ordered two teas.
“That will £1.11 please” the lady put her hand out.
“That’s a really unusual amount, how much is it for one tea?” I asked with confusion in my voice.
“It’s the way the till works one tea is 55 pence and two teas is £1.11” she answered.
I cannot begin to tell you how much that sum of money played in my head, why was it one pound eleven pence for two teas? How can that be? This conundrum went round and round my head till I heard my brother’s name being shouted…at last his menopause can be attended to!
Mij and I went into the consultation room. The cancer specialist opened a clean sheet of paper and started asking medical questions.
Doctor- “Tell me how this all began”
Mij- “Well one day Calum looked at my neck”
Doctor- “Who is Calum? Is he a doctor?”
Mij- “ No he is my grandson, he is eight years old, but he saw a lump on my neck and said it was cancer and then Cooper looked at it…”
Doctor- “Is Cooper a doctor?”
Mij- “No he is my dog and then…”
ME- “Mij get to the point”
Mij- “Yes I had a lump on my neck and I went to the docs and he sent me to the hospital and it was diagnosed after a biopsy”
I breathed a sigh of relief at this, you see Mij is funny and chatty and likes to spin a yarn and can make a small story into War & Peace (sound like someone we know? Yes me) anyway the very lovely patient doctor asked another question.
Doctor- “Do you suffer from any other illnesses?”
Mij- “No I am really fine”
ME- “Maybe the HIV is worth mentioning” I hissed.
Mij- “Oh aye my sister is right, I am HIV since 1986, but Calum says I am good at taking the medicine but he lives far away now but I am going for a visit because Cooper is being looked after by Simon and he had OCD and can actually stick together letters that have been shredded…”
ME- “Mij the point…please stick to it” I nudged him as he was off on a big tirade about his mental pals and nutty dog.
Doc- “Did you get the HIV from dirty needles?”
Mij- “No I never shared a needle in my life but my girlfriend at the time forgot to mention she was a hooker” Mij smiled as he threw this information into the ring, he is good at delivery of some lines I have to admit.
At this point I felt the only way to lighten the mood was to say something funny so I added “Mij thought he was having his menopause” and I giggled.
The doctor looked at me like I was really imbecilic and Mij kept an incredibly straight face, leaned over and said “Janey only women have a menopause that’s not even funny, especially as I have cancer and HIV and you are trying to crack silly jokes”
The doctor looked at me really distastefully and Mij shook his head in derision at me, then turned and winked.
I couldn’t stop laughing inside as he had managed to make me look a fool.
How funny is that?
Mij got through the whole consult and came out and we fell about laughing in each others arms, recalling the menopause joke and Mij talking about his dog.
I miss him and he makes me laugh like no one else.
Get well soon Dear Mij._