I sat on the bumpy bus going to see my niece Ann Margaret today.
Everything was fine, baby Abi was funny. She told me she killed her pet mouse because ‘She standed on it’ then she told me her hamster died because it ‘had a cold and embarrassment’ I knew that no rodent could die of shame, so we concluded that ‘embarrassment’ was actually the word for ‘Exhaustion’ in Abi’s wee head. Funny!
Late afternoon came and I jumped on the bus home.
As usual there was a crazy man behind me on the bus. I could hear him practically breathe on my neck as he leaned close, then I heard him whisper ‘Fuck you’.
At first I thought he was on a mobile phone. Then I realised he was actually whispering to me.
I looked across the bus aisle and there was a drunken man in big metal crutches looking at the neck whisperer behind me. The bus was full of fucking nutters.
I leaned round and faced the breather behind me and said “Did you just say ‘fuck you’ into my ear a minute ago?”
The dark haired shifty eyes man looked down and said “No”
The one thing nutters hate is confrontation and I LOVE doing that.
I turned back round and immediately he leaned over and whispered again “Fuck you”
This time I snapped round in my seat and said “Yes you did, you just said it again”
The man in crutches across the aisle said “I saw him saying it and he was near your neck”
The whispery man just dipped his head down. The man in crutches stood up and shouted “I will stick this crutch up your arse if you don’t stop annoying that woman you weird fucker”
At this the bus bumped, crutches man almost fell and the bus driver shouted “What the fucks going on back there?”
The driver wasn’t worried about trouble, I think he felt left out, so I stood up and shouted “Ok the man behind me keeps whispering ‘fuck you’ into my neck, he denied it when I asked him and then this man with crutches saw him do it and he said he will stick his crutch up that whispery mans arse” I sat back down having been confident that my news bulletin reached the drivers satisfaction.
Then the whispery man leaned towards me and the crutches man leaned over and whacked him on the leg with a thin metal crutch and screamed “Don’t fucking whisper sweary words to that woman ya cunt”
“What’s happening now?” shouted the driver.
I stood up and shouted “Well the whispery man did try to do it again and the man in crutches hit him with his metal crutch and everyone back here is watching it” I sat back down.
Other passengers on the bus tried hard to look way and pretend they weren’t part of this ensemble. I love it when people get too embarrassed to deal with a public situation….makes me giggle.
Crutches man growled at the whispery man and they all sat and stared at each other as I kept relaying the scene to the driver.
Then I got off at the Underground station.
I don’t know what happened next as crutches man and whispery man both got off and went separate ways at the same bus stop as me.
The tube ride went without incident…that was sad!_