Ashley, husband and I were recalling the mental trip we took to LA, Las Vegas and San Diego.
It was Christmas and New Year of 2001.
We thought we would have loved to spend our holidays in the US, we flew first class over the Atlantic but then when we landed we quickly realised that living in hotels became really boring and we ended up fighting amongst each other. Husband got cabin fever and Ashley and I took to riding the buses in LA for entertainment.
I have to tell you that public transport in LA is the fucking funniest thing ever.
The first bus trip into down town LA was the best. Ashley and I sat together when a woman got on the bus, she sat opposite us. She had impetigo and the surrounds of her face was black and the inner part of this poor woman’s face was really white. Bizarrely she looked like Minnie Mouse. She sat quiet then five minutes into the journey she started talking out of the side of her mouth, the whispering got louder and before long she was screaming “Fucking bitch, you lesbian cunt” to no one but the empty seat beside her.
Ashley and I sat clenched trying not to laugh, which is terrible I know but to see this poor woman with the domino face screaming obscenities made me giggle.
We managed to get off the bus without causing any embarrassing situations and headed into the fancy shops.
The journey home was even better.
As we sat down on the bus, a man got on dragging a huge black plastic bag of discarded hub caps. They clattered and clanked against people’s knees and he didn’t apologise at all. He was dressed in a woollen jumper as trousers- he had managed to stuff his two legs through the arms, the hemline of the jumper was tied together at his waist with a big bit of rope! His skinny brown hairy legs were poking out of the cuffs of the jumper and on his feet were a pair of mismatched tatty slippers.
His top half was dressed in a newspaper that was stapled at the armpits.
I was agog at this man; he stood there and started to scream about Vietnam, the poor man was obviously mental.
If that wasn’t enough the bus managed to crack its wing mirror off a passing truck. The bus had a bit of a jolt but nothing bad, the noise was startling though.
This being America, and the culture of suing anything that makes you blink hard- the bus halted and the driver looked up the aisle and asked loudly “Is anyone hurt? If so I have compensation forms here”
Everyone looked at each other and we all knew that no one had even been jolted badly, at that point ‘hubcap man’ threw himself on the floor, his hubcaps rolled all over the bus and he screamed “I have been injured, help me now”
I burst out laughing as he faked a back injury and tried hard to gather up his errant hubcaps. This is ENTERTAINMENT….why anyone bothered to go to show in LA I will never know, as long as the public transport exits we have full on fun.
Hubcap Man then left the bus limping like his leg had been sawn off, he couldn’t quite decide if he was faking a leg injury or a back injury, he filled in his form and then hobbled back on.
We sat tonight and laughed about the various situations that we had encountered from that trip. We recalled the night we attended a murder mystery dinner, the food was so slow in coming, the actors were so fucking hammy that Ashley stood up and shouted at one point “Who the hell do we have to kill to get the next course!”
The show was dire, Ashley and I heckled all the way through and annoyed everyone else at the table, we were terribly behaved I do admit, but we were hungry and the amateur dramatics was making us plot deaths in between the shit food.
LA was not as wonderful as we imagined but the free entertainment was the highlight of the trip._