We had a great day yesterday Ashley and I, we went down to the Classic to do TV interview with myself Dom Irrera and Phil Nichol, Ashley filmed me being filmed by the TV company. I love Dom and Phil, two very wonderful comics. Then we went along Auckland harbour side which is beautiful despite the scary windy rainy weather. We went into one of the lovely harbour side restaurants and enjoyed the local seafood.
I had to get back to the hotel as I had my first gig last night, I was nervous as hell, its not my one woman show just a comedy gig at the Classic, BUT it is my first gig on this tour and important that I get off on the right foot. The ticket buying audience are out there and if I fuck up, no one will buy a ticket to see me. Luckily the crowd loved my stuff; I improvised a lot on stage (I don’t know how NOT to). I did some stuff about Ashley and I on the flight and of course that lovely story about the US customs man who demanded a joke! It all worked, when I came off stage my heart was beating in my chest, my palms were sweaty and Ashley ran and hugged me as I came off stage up into the green room “Mum that was awesome, well done”
God, I was relieved, Ashley is my harshest critic.
Today is VERY important firstly -Scotland beat Bulgaria 5-0 and there is a heat wave in Glasgow which means the world is going to end; surely that’s an apocalyptic sign?
The sun will fall from the sky and locusts will eat the fresh fields of Cornwall dry….
Secondly I am doing the BIG TV GALA here in NZ, in front of a live audience of 2000 people and going to broadcasts of squillions of Kiwi’s.
Is this the moment when I walk on stage, my mouth goes dry, my heart stops, my brain decides that’s there is nothing in there except for a few old black and white photo’s of Richard Nixon and a memory of school custard?
Do I stand in the moment of silence and feel piss trickle down my leg as my mouth refuses to move and my brain shouts to me “Hahahah!!! fuck all here Godley, look here is a President who resigned and remember the taste of lumpy dessert? Oh look…here is a wee flashback of a night you spent at a bonfire in 1974 when you were hungry and were looking for your dog”
I will die physically if that happens. Ashley will join a witness protection scheme and change her identity, move to Khuzestan and become an orphan in disgrace and make shoes for the rest of her life. My husband will divorce me and marry a woman who can cook, and has long silky hair, she will laugh prettily and smile as he talks shite and my booking diary will empty like a virus got in there and drained it of all potential.
Please don’t let that happen, it means I may have to get a real job and I am good at fuck all but talking.
So there we have it, I am so scared of stuff you cannot even begin to imagine.
Send me good vibes or in one 3 minute slot my life is over…..there is no going back if I die on stage tonight….._