Breasts and Teeth…
Yesterday I went to the breast clinic for my check up. The male doc and female doc came into the room as I stripped. She was very bland looking, dressed in beige and woollens, like something from the 1970’s, her un remarkable brown hair was thick and plain looking pulled in a pony tail, he was tall, with short brown hair wearing clothes and style that could not define a generation. I though for a moment I had stepped into the past via some strange NHS time-port-hole.
“My God your fucking hands are freezing” I gasped as the bland man felt my left boob “Did you have a special ice box outside the room to keep them at that horrid temperature?” The scary non speaking woman doc stood with her back against the wall and stared at me emotionless.
“Please tell me that lump you can feel won’t send me to the choppy, clampy, stampy tit squashing mammogram machine?” I giggled, hoping he would finally crack a smile or something….but NO, she stood looking at me impassively as I blurted out
“I am sorry, I talk a lot when I get nervous, and this is making me nervous…you know how it is when some strange man is pressing into my lumpy tit”.
I kid you not, they both stood there completely un smiling, completely un interested and finally man doctor said “ This is not going to require any more tests, I think we have realised that this lump is just going to stay here and not be dangerous”
“Well thanks Doc, can you please both do me a big favour?” They never even looked at each other with any form of interest in what I was about to say, so I continued “Please never ever come to a comedy club, can both of you promise me that, I swear to God I will never bring this lump back here….Ok are you both Borgs? You know seven of nine…that Star Trek thing…is she two of six?”
They both left the room and the wee Scottish blonde nurse came back in “You ok Janey?” she smiled “Yes I’m all clear, listen are those two people real…I mean fucksake, I have never seen two glum unaffected people like that in my life, thank fuck I never had cancer and they were the people who had to bring me that news!”
The wee nurse laughed aloud, and whispered conspiratorially “Pair of strange geeks eh? At least you are clear and not getting ready for another round of tests”
She was right, who cares the docs was odd, and I don’t have cancer!
This morning was fun filled happy time as baby Abi stayed over and we have got her to say in her wee two year old lispy words “George Bush is a mental man who lies for oil and started an illegal war”
It is such fun and as she is very smart for her age, we are parrot fashion teaching her the words and extending the sentence and she is now word perfect. She can also count to twenty in English and French! She is so cute and only two years old with that curly mad Gene Wilder hair-do she seems to have inherited from no one in the family! Well other than me, but even my hair isn’t that crazy!
So today I went to the dentist to get my treatment for teeth whitening, and next month I get veneers put over the nasty dull shells, I call teeth. I will put up some pics of my teeth as the whitening process takes place and we shall see the results as they happen, I told my dentist that I would be posting it all on the web, so it better work!
If you want to see the pictures daily go to this link…
Click onto the thumbnail of my teeth and watch daily as the treatment takes effect, I never posted a picture of my lumpy tit, I didn’t wanna frighten anyone.