I am so sorry, I have been missing in action again.
I was in Edinburgh on Thursday to do my first ever book talk and signing…it was interesting and funny until the fire alarm in the store went off and we were all shunted out onto the street!
I got onto the Edinburgh train and shuffled into my nice seat in ‘First Class’ ( I do travel well you know!) as I settled down and pulled out my IPOD and magazine, I noticed the cabin was filling up fast, there is not many seats in first class.
This very old version of Lady Penelope sat opposite me, she was dressed in soft pink from head to toe, with matching jewellery. Her coiffed pale golden hair was teased into a fluffy flicked out bob and her missing eyebrows were coloured and drawn back in by what i can only describe as a ‘Plum’ clolour. She had a dark burgundy line drawn around her mouth where her lips used to lie and she had filled her mouth in with peach lipstick that shone and glimmered under the harsh British Rail lamps.
I was agog at this perfectionists attempt at the finest attention to detail….anyway she leaned over to me as the crowd of suited fat men scrambled for seats and said quietly as she elegantly folded her terracota cashmere wrap onto her lap “Excuse me this is first class”
I smiled and replied “Yes I know- what are you insinuating ? I am surprised they let you in ya scary creepy pink woman”
I went back to my magazine and sat there annoyed that yet again my demeanour represents ‘Street urchin’ instead of ‘Street chic’.
I watched the fat suited men all shuffle in their seats as Pink Lady fiddled with her pink umbrella and I added ” I dont usually do first class” and the crepe lady smiled and added ” I thought that”
I looked at her and said loudly “I dont usually do public transport but my driver is having a night off and so I thought I would slum it with you guys, by the way a Lady can never have enough pink lipstick and I love what you have done with that whole missing eyebrow thing…good call with red ink marker”
She looked down and had the decency to blush.
Life goes on and after sitting through the whole journey listening to ‘Pink Lady’s’ conversation about politics (Surprise to learn that she is an Old Tory) I learned that the fat bloke in a suit sitting beside her was a top lawyer. They both rattled on about the amount of scruffy riff raff who bloat our city courts with petty crimes and how society doesnt help and how ‘young people today’ dont respect their elders and how drug addicts need to be put on an island to dry out….anyway after sitting through that shite, I felt annoyed.
I was annoyed about the Pink lady assuming that I am not entitled to first class and how they both dismissed people with drug problems and how the gassed on about how drug addicts are a shame of society.
I listened and listened and then eventually slammed down my magazine and said “You are both snobs who are drunk, you judged me and made assumptions, you both sit there stinking of booze and to be honest I am not surprised that you are both involved in politics and law….when you people die and the next generation of politicians and law upholders come along I fucking hope they drink less, stink less and have an aversion to pink and elitism”
I am happy to say they all sat quiet for the rest of the journey as I sat and sang along to Joe Walsh on my IPOD…”life’s been good to me so far” I sang along…and it is.
I did a radio show for BBC Scotland this morning on the Janice Forsyth show, it was great she had read the book and checked out my website and to be honest I was impressed.
Am getting packed up for Glastonbury, I am performing on the Friday and Ashley and I are living in a tent, how I am going to deal with that….I dont know…she HATES dirt and HATES anything less than first class…fuck knows what will happen in a smelly tent in a smelly field!_