What's new with Janey
01 June 2005

Inlaws and out laws

Had a nice day today, managed to confirm my fears that I am officially a ‘Compulsive shopper’. I hunted for ages to get a cream pair of linen summer trousers (Like Scotland gets a ‘summer’?) anyway, totally disgruntled as they were no where to be found in my BIG 3 (M&S, Primark and Dunnes Stores).

I was quietly talking to myself about how many pairs of linen trousers i do own and would there be enough sunny days in which to wear them all when I was stopped by one of my husband’s brothers. Oh Holy Fuck-an IN LAW!

He sat on the street bench near the underground station. I waited to hear what he had to say. It was funny.

In-Law-” Saw your article in the Daily record”


In-Law-” My brothers dont like it and I think I dont like what you are saying”

me-“Thats interesting, but to be honset I dont really care”

In-Law-” You spoke about us not being friendly”

me-“In case i am confused, am I the sister in law that had you worried because our relationship had grown very close and you spent years worrying about how to deal with your affection of me?”


Me-“Well just checking, I really didnt like you and you fucking hated me, thats how it worked last time I checked my memory”

In-Law-” I dont like you saying we were difficult”

me-“It was an innocuous comment, I can hardly believe you are worried about that, wait till you read the rest of the book”

In-Law-” What does innocuous mean?”

me-“I am sorry, I said a big word, do you have a dictionary” I added smugly.

in-law-“Aye I do actually” He reached into his shopping bag and fumbled beneath a bunch of banana’s and pulled out a small Collins Dictionary and held it up to me. “I got it to help me spell check some words for when I fill in job applications”

I was stunned “That is the fucking best comeback you have EVER gave me in the 25 years I have known you” I laughed aloud. “You actually do have a dictionary”

We both laughed and exchanged a few more words and I walked away laughing. Good on him!

When I got home I started to pack and found in the far end of my closet not only one but TWO pairs of cream linen trousers and a LINEN jacket with labels and price tags still on…..Holy Fuck I am a compulsive shopper…thats it, no more clothes buying for me.

I spent the night making lists for the morning. My list actually has a note that says-CHECK FINAL OTHER LIST…I am now fucked up compulsive list maker. Not good.

Ashley taped the O.C and we sat down to watch it as she explained all the characters, she kept pointing out the ‘older’ sexy men but I fancied the 20 year olds….again. She is obbsessed with the O.C and everyone has crazy names like ‘Summer’ ‘China the Alopecia Pony’, ‘Julie Cooper- Nichol’, ‘Kiki Cohen’ and ‘Caleb’.

Ashley asked me if we made a lot of cash could we go live in Newport Beach, can you imagine???

We would make it the Scottish OC or as I would call it

‘OC Aye The Noo’ people would be called Tam, Boaby and Sadie the scabby Dug.

The plot lines would be Janey the mental patient who steals clothes in every shade, twice divorced from Tam the Bam and now married to Archie the smack dealer- adopts a wee baby and sells it on the beach to ‘Frazer the razor’ who likes to dress wee kids up as bulldogs playing cards and take pictures of them so he can emboss them onto mirrors.

Actually that sounds a good idea I wonder if HBO wants to buy it.

I need to go, I have remembered something to put on the list…..pack linen trousers, all of them…all six pairs in shades of cream!_