Wednesday the 1st of June 2005
11:35:58 PM

exhausted and elated

I am tired, here I sit in Westminster in the 'Flashy Flat'. The day has been long and weary, we finally arrived at Heathrow and the limo ( I kid you not-a huge big fancy car was there, not a stretch limo, just a regular and very classy) we lay back and plugged in our IPOD's and took in the tea time traffic!

The flat is nice but the bloody storage space is tiny and instead of being near 'Soho in a ten Minute walk' it's a fucking ten minute walk if you are Paula Radcliffe without the bad bladder or Kelly Holmes without the self harm ! It is far away from everything and being in the part of the city that houses no houses and just offices, they literally shut the shops at 5pm and take the pavements in for the night!

I am exhausted moaning about that and the fact the place has NO INTERNET connection...oh they have a business centre BUT it does not actually have anything to do with business...I assume they keep pigeons there and tie messages onto them and let them fly....fly away...what a fucked up business centre...BUT....it has

The most amazing sauna and steamroom and small but awesome pool with jets etc...and a gym (Like I care) and beauty rooms (I do care).

I was so fucked up stressed trying to get online and the phone system was more expensive than CRACK!

Ashley then noticed a box thingy on top of the TV and found phone wires in a hall cupboard (the only storage space that houses a boiler) she connected phone wires to TV box thing and other wire to my laptop and HEY FUCKING PRESTO I am online...we are not sure how but we neither care coz I am happy smiling girl again and that is all that matters.

I smiled today as my sister called me to tell me she tried to buy my book in Shettleston/Parkhead (Glasgow's East End) and she was told that despite the book not officially having been launched it's SOLD OUT! They had 75 copies and they are ALL GONE...wow!

I am excited, but tomorrow I have to get up go be interviewed by Best Mag and then am doing a radio show at 2pm. The Observer should be out in Sunday with the photoshoot and article that I did last week and then...next week I am on 'This Morning' tv show!

Must go need to lose ten stone in four days.

Wednesday the 1st of June 2005
12:53:49 AM

In-laws and outlaws

Had a nice day today, managed to confirm my fears that I am officially a 'Compulsive shopper'. I hunted for ages to get a cream pair of linen summer trousers (Like Scotland gets a 'summer'?) anyway, totally disgruntled as they were no where to be found in my BIG 3 (M&S, Primark and Dunnes Stores).

I was quietly talking to myself about how many pairs of linen trousers I do own and would there be enough sunny days in which to wear them all when I was stopped by one of my husband's brothers. Oh Holy Fuck-an IN LAW!

He sat on the street bench near the underground station. I waited to hear what he had to say. It was funny.

In-Law-" Saw your article in the Daily record"

me-"And?"

In-Law-" My brothers dont like it and I think I dont like what you are saying"

me-"Thats interesting, but to be honest I dont really care"

In-Law-" You spoke about us not being friendly"

me-"In case i am confused, am I the sister in law that had you worried because our relationship had grown very close and you spent years worrying about how to deal with your affection of me?"

In-Law-"No"

Me-"Well just checking, I really didnt like you and you fucking hated me, thats how it worked last time I checked my memory"

In-Law-" I dont like you saying we were difficult"

me-"It was an innocuous comment, I can hardly believe you are worried about that, wait till you read the rest of the book"

In-Law-" What does innocuous mean?"

me-"I am sorry, I said a big word, do you have a dictionary?" I added smugly.

in-law-"Aye I do actually" He reached into his shopping bag and fumbled beneath a bunch of banana's and pulled out a small Collins Dictionary and held it up to me. "I got it to help me spell check some words for when I fill in job applications"

I was stunned "That is the fucking best comeback you have EVER gave me in the 25 years I have known you" I laughed aloud. "You actually do have a dictionary" 

We both laughed and exchanged a few more words and I walked away laughing. Good on him!

When I got home I started to pack and found in the far end of my closet not only one but TWO pairs of cream linen trousers and a LINEN jacket with labels and price tags still on.....Holy Fuck I am a compulsive shopper...thats it, no more clothes buying for me.I spent the night making lists for the morning. My list actually has a note that says-CHECK FINAL OTHER LIST...I am now fucked up compulsive list maker. Not good.

Ashley taped the O.C and we sat down to watch it as she explained all the characters, she kept pointing out the 'older' sexy men but I fancied the 20 year olds....again. She is obbsessed with the O.C and everyone has crazy names like 'Summer' 'China the Alopecia Pony', 'Julie Cooper- Nichol', 'Kiki Cohen' and 'Caleb'.

Ashley asked me if we made a lot of cash could we go live in Newport Beach, can you imagine???

We would make it the Scottish OC or as I would call it

'OC Aye The Noo' people would be called Tam, Boaby and Sadie the scabby Dug.

The plot lines would be Janey the mental patient who steals clothes in every shade, twice divorced from Tam the Bam and now married to Archie the smack dealer- adopts a wee baby and sells it on the beach to 'Frazer the razor' who likes to dress wee kids up as bulldogs playing cards and take pictures of them so he can emboss them onto mirrors.

Actually that sounds a good idea I wonder if HBO wants to buy it.

I need to go, I have remembered something to put on the list.....pack linen trousers, all of them...all six pairs in shades of cream!

Friday the 3rd of June 2005
08:38:48 AM

high security

I was told that there is a big internet cafe underground in a place called Millbank, just round the corner from the flat. When I got here that first night and my internet connection would not work I asked around and was told to go to Millbank.

So there I was all sweaty, tired and carrying my laptop making my way to that huge grey building behind our flats.

I must admit the building did look a bit imposing for an internet cafe ...but I was desperate and needed to get online. So I marched in and was immediately approached by a big tall man in security uniform.

"Yes, may I help you?" He barked at me.

"Do you have an internet connection in here I can use?" I sharply replied.

"No, this is not an internet cafe" he answered.

"I was told it was, come on, I need to get online" I groaned.

"Look I dont think you understand what i am saying, we do have internet but not for customers or people coming off the street" He started to get angry.

"Oh fuck off, what do you think I am going to download? The terrorist guide to London?" I snapped back sarcastically.

"Ok leave now, take your laptop and leave now, do you know where you are?" he stood over me.

"Yes. I am in London facing a nasty man who will not let me use his internet" I smiled, hoping to charm him.

"You are in the MI5 government building and if you insist in being obstinate I will have to take you aside and caution you and charge you" He smirked.

"MI5? please tell me, has anyone confused it with MFI? Just for a laugh tell me?"

"NO. Never now take your stuff and go" he led me by the elbow.

Oh well nasty old fucker and his big MI5 building can go kiss my bumpy ass, I got internet connection.

Monday the 6th of June 2005
07:49:25 PM

Sorry I am Late

I have been so busy I am going mental!

I have not blogged in days as rehearsals are every day and nights are spent trying to learn me lines! I am quite worried I will forget all the lines and stand there on stage and have to fucking pretend to 'faint'.

Took Ashley to the Groucho Club the other night and we were both so knackered we just sat there and chatted about the play. She was keen, to get me organised and make sure that all press interviews are in the diary, I am so confused, i am trying to make sure this play is up to scratch and make sure I am doing all the press for the launch.

We got tired and got up to leave when Ashley passed Val Kilmer (one of her favourite actors). Her heart was broke as when she pulled herself up to full height she was taller than him....he is quite small and that made me laugh.

Was annoyed that the Observer interview did not go to press on Sunday but am sure it will be next week, I have the Scotsman flying to London on Thursday to do an interview at my favourite Covent Garden Hotel. This was where I met Brooke Shields and after she told me about her book on postnatal depression, I showed her my stretch marks to prove how 'Totally into birth and babies' i was.

Daughter was appalled.

must go dinner is cooked and I am starving....book launch in tomorrow night straight after rehearsals.

Thursday the 9th of June 2005
09:44:18 AM

first night and fear

I spent the whole day yesterday in a flummox. It was my opening night at Soho Theatre and the show had sold out! I was shitting a brick. What if I forgot all my lines? What if I just died on my ass? I was scared.

I sat on the bus going into Soho early and was so engrossed reading my script that I ignored a bit fat old lady who needed my seat and as I stood to get up, lots of people glared at me for my unfeeling selfishness. I decided right there and then to limp off the bus, I would make them think I had a bad injured leg and thats why I took up the disabled seating!

So i practised being the drug addled woman in my play and dragged my leg off the bus (that would make all thoses judgemental bastards rethink their hate for me).

As I struggled with my 'bad leg' to get off, the big fat old lady waddled off with me FUCKSAKE I would have to limp all the way up Shaftsbury Avenue....So I did. The fat woman kept up with me and I limped and struggled and staggered then i slowly morphed into the drug addict I play in the show and managed to frighten 30 American tourists by shouting at them in a drug slurred fashion "You are all fat bastards, you kill children for oil!" I sloped off and stumbled about the streets in character and then a real drug addict stopped me for a ciggie.

I looked at him and felt terrible, I was 'playing' a drug addict, I didnt really have the struggles he has and I was ashamed of even playing one in a West End Show.

Lesson learned, I sat in Soho Square with my family going over andf over my lines. The show was packed there was no air in that room and my first night went well. I fluffed a few lines but managed to fix that or even hide it.

Nadine is a great director and I am so chuffed to be working with her. First night over...onwards and upwards.

Saturday the 11th of June 2005
01:35:15 AM

Jude Law and crying Irish women

The show is still selling well, i am still getting nervous but am doing the show as well as can be expected. I love acting. The nerves are easing, I am so buzzing getting to the theatre. I love Soho.

Ashley and I went for after show drinks at The Groucho Club. The place was pretty quiet but I noticed that in the corner Jude Law was sitting and his pretty girlfriend Sienna Miller came in after her performance of 'As You Like It' at some big West End Theatre.

The place got busier and Ashley and I sat quietly watching the 'un-famous' trying to sneak nearer and nearer to the Jude Law/Jonny Vaughn/Sienna Miller/Ben Chaplin table....it was fucking really shameful. We giggled and sat chatting about life/men/cash/jobs and any other shit that came into our wee Scottish heads. Thats what we do.

Ashley came out of the toilet and I watched her hug this woman I did not know, I was surprised as I did not recognise the person and yet she was very touchy and huggy with her. Then I watched as the woman took her over to the 'Famous' table and introduced her to Jude Law and gang.

I sat quiet as I watched Ashley chat animatedly to the people, they were smiling and chatting back.

She came over and told me the story of what happened.

She was in the loo and the young dark haired Irish woman started getting upset and told Ashley that she felt fat and ugly and was very insecure. Ashley (being Ashley) hugged her and told her that no-one should hurt themselves and they must always believe in themselves and never put themselves down. The young woman was so moved by her offer of friendship and spontaneous affection that begged Ashley to come meet her friends.

The friends were 'The Famous People' including the Irish guy who was the lead in 'Queer as Folk' (Ashley was once in love with him). He was the Irish womans husband.

Anway after the woman said "This is a girl who chatted to me in the loo and told me to believe in myself when I got a bit upset, she took time to talk to me and hug me"

Ashley looked at them all smile and said "Nice to meet you all but she was really upset in the toilets and you guys should be supporting her more, it's not right that a stranger has to comfort her when you are her best mates, please try to be more helpful when someone is very insecure about their self image, she is beautiful and I think she needs to hear that more"

So my daughter gave a pep talk on postive action and self awareness to an Oscar Nominee a Bafta winner, a skinny blonde -famous -for -fucking -Jude law girl and one small dark haired Irish woman who needed a hug.

Great....I love it when she does that. When I told her I was scared to go on stage incase I died on my fat ass.....she giigled and said "Yeah well...them's the breaks"

Sunday the 12th of June 2005
03:21:57 PM

Sex and love and money

Well I love sex and Love and Money! I am getting some of two and not enough of the other as I have been so fucking busy this last week I feel that today (Sunday) I can finally breathe! HURRAAH My Soho Theatre run closed last night and I feel GREAT!

Sorry I have been neglecting my BLOG..I do feel bad, and nasty to the people who check my life daily. Apologies accepted?Please?

This past two weeks have been mental and scary as hell and the most intense I have ever been through....well other than  waiting for three nights to give birth and suffering pain and fear back in 1986...that beats everything hands down I have to add!

The play has been the hardest thing i have ever done, when I wrote it back in 2003 and my husband produced the cash to put it on and my daughter did the PR at the Fringe 2003...I had no idea what that cathartic piece of theatre would produce. Certainly not a book deal/tv work and the play transferring to the West End of London! But it did.

The play was tightened up and re-directed by in house director Nadine Hoare at Soho Theatre and she did great work on it, I love it as it is now. The audience numbers were awesome and it SOLD OUT! Wow!

I even made friends with a young addict in Soho whom I met each day whilst going to rehearsals, he spoke to me about his addiction and I explained that the play I was performing was about heroin, he was lovely. He was also ashamed about his addiction and I reminded him that the smart TV people running around him could easily be addicted to cocaine and the difference between them and him was that they were just junkies who still had money......he had run out! We laughed and hugged and had tea together and we met each day to catch up on our lives and to share a wee while with each others company. He met Ashley and she spontaneously hugged him and he told her that he had not been hugged in months and that to have such a cute girl be there was great for him. He flirted with her (he was a twenty three year old handsome dude) and they both chatted about music and stuff.

I watched them and it hit home that it really could be her sitting there with a dirty blanket begging for cash. I am so so grateful for her safety and that she lives a life that is not soaked in pain or addiction. That is what the play is all about...choices..choices we make and as humans we must repect other people choices.

The book is selling well and I have been doing radio and journalists all week, I was very very pleased to see the Observer's article in todays newspaper. I love the photo, and thats unusual as normally I look like a fat grumpy whore, but I am smiling and posing in a giggly looking stance and that is really who I am at times...just a woman having a giggle.

I had my period yesterday and it nearly killed me trying to perform and die inside with the pain....but I cant be the only female in a West End play losing half my blood supply and smiling through it all. Cheers to all the woman who pretend to be happy and suffer cramps...I am with you all the way there!

I have so many flowers in the apartment and last night Angela and David who rent out the flat to me came to see the play and sent me the most stunning bouquet of ridiculously beautiful roses and chatted with me, they are great. Its really good to meet really cool people in London and make friends...whether they are homeless or sipping Pimms in the Groucho...Ashley and I met a plethora of good people this trip and thats what I will leave here with.

Wednesday the 15th of June 2005
11:15:04 PM

I thought I killed her dad years ago...

I can only say it's good to be home, but I have been full on as usual. I foolishly but gladly agreed to take part in my friend Chris's big extravaganza cabaret nights at the Mitchell Theatre...straight after doing my Glasgow Book Launch and it was all great. The book launch was lovely and seeing all my old school pals was awesome. One girl in particular was interesting as I have long believed I killed her father.

Yes! I know what a statement!

Ok here goes....when I was ten years old, I pointed my brothers air pellet pistol out of my window and shot this schoolfriends dad right in the ass. He yelped and screamed in the street and I dropped behind the window onto my stomach like a real commando. A few years later he died and my brother -who knew I had shot him in the ass (I foolishly told him) told me that the man died as the pellet passed through his heart and killed him. I was horrified and kept the secret for years until I was a real adult and knew the man could never had died due to my hot shot calamity Jane stylee shooting incident. Surely?

Anyway, I met Carrie tonight at the show and as I was signing some books she came up to me and introduced herself...here's how it went..

Me-"Hello, how did your dad die?" I asked inconsiderately.

Carrie-"He had a heart attack years ago, why?"

me-"Did a pellet go through his veins and kill him?"

She looked at me with a mixture of disgust and sheer horror "No, are you mental?"

me-"Thats ok then I thought I had killed him, you see I shot him in the ass in 1973 with an air gun pellet and I always wondered if it killed him"

Carrie-"No you didnt but I never knew you had shot my late father....I think you are mental...is this a joke?"

me-"Er...Yes, it was a joke, I like weird jokes"

Carrie-"Ermm...ok bye then"

See Janey Godley is Innocent, my Fringe show is true, I never killed Carrie's dad.

Saturday the 18th of June 2005
05:50:51 PM

sorry for being away for so long

I am so sorry, I have been missing in action again.

I was in Edinburgh on Thursday to do my first ever book talk and signing...it was interesting and funny until the fire alarm in the store went off and we were all shunted out onto the street!

I got onto the Edinburgh train and shuffled into my nice seat in 'First Class' ( I do travel well you know!) as I settled down and pulled out my IPOD and magazine, I noticed the cabin was filling up fast, there is not many seats in first class.

This very old version of Lady Penelope sat opposite me, she was dressed in soft pink from head to toe, with matching jewellery. Her coiffed pale golden hair was teased into a fluffy flicked out bob and her missing eyebrows were coloured and drawn back in by what i can only describe as a 'Plum' clolour. She had a dark burgundy line drawn around her mouth where her lips used to lie and she had filled her mouth in with peach lipstick that shone and glimmered under the harsh British Rail lamps.

I was agog at this perfectionists attempt at the finest attention to detail....anyway she leaned over to me as the crowd of suited fat men scrambled for seats and said quietly as she elegantly folded her terracota cashmere wrap onto her lap "Excuse me this is first class"

I smiled and replied "Yes I know- what are you insinuating ? I am surprised they let you in ya scary creepy pink woman"

I went back to my magazine and sat there annoyed that yet again my demeanour represents 'Street urchin' instead of 'Street chic'.

I watched the fat suited men all shuffle in their seats as Pink Lady fiddled with her pink umbrella and I added " I dont usually do first class" and the crepe lady smiled and added " I thought that"

I looked at her and said loudly "I dont usually do public transport but my driver is having a night off and so I thought I would slum it with you guys, by the way a Lady can never have enough pink lipstick and I love what you have done with that whole missing eyebrow thing...good call with red ink marker"

She looked down and had the decency to blush.

Life goes on and after sitting through the whole journey listening to 'Pink Lady's' conversation about politics (Surprise to learn that she is an Old Tory) I learned that the fat bloke in a suit sitting beside her was a top lawyer. They both rattled on about the amount of scruffy riff raff who bloat our city courts with petty crimes and how society doesnt help and how 'young people today' dont respect their elders and how drug addicts need to be put on an island to dry out....anyway after sitting through that shite, I felt annoyed.

I was annoyed about the Pink lady assuming that I am not entitled to first class and how they both dismissed people with drug problems and how the gassed on about how drug addicts are a shame of society.

I listened and listened and then eventually slammed down my magazine and said "You are both snobs who are drunk, you judged me and made assumptions, you both sit there stinking of booze and to be honest I am not surprised that you are both involved in politics and law....when you people die and the next generation of politicians and law upholders come along I fucking hope they drink less, stink less and have an aversion to pink and elitism"

I am happy to say they all sat quiet for the rest of the journey as I sat and sang along to Joe Walsh on my IPOD..."life's been good to me so far" I sang along...and it is.

I did a radio show for BBC Scotland this morning on the Janice Forsyth show, it was great she had read the book and checked out my website and to be honest I was impressed.

Am getting packed up for Glastonbury, I am performing on the Friday and Ashley and I are living in a tent, how I am going to deal with that....I dont know...she HATES dirt and HATES anything less than first class...fuck knows what will happen in a smelly tent in a smelly field!

Sunday the 19th of June 2005
11:39:47 PM

Drug addicts and shmoozzers

I forgot to tell you all about what happened when i was in London doing the play and its just came to me so here goes...

Everyday when I was rehearsing I met a lovely guy called Brad who was a homeless addict. He and I made friends and we chatted  ( i did tell you this but I never told you the whole story) anyway it came to me that Brad was ashamed about his drug addiction and I realised that in Soho there is so many rich media dudes and Brad did not get that those people ( not all I know but lots do) snort cocaine regularly and in fact they are as much an addict as he is, the only thing that separates them is that they have still got cash...give it a few years and they will be standing beside him on the street wondering where their life went.

Cocaine users and heavy drinkers often look down on heroin addicts and forget that they too have an addiction that will ruin their lives.

I know this as I have walked through the streets with a few coke-heads who make snide remarks to the drug addicts and homeless who walk the streets of London.

Anyway thats my bit for today...not really a blog more of a rant I think.

Meanwhile I have booked a holiday for Ashley in Amsterdam, I am worried sick about letting her go with her pal but I know she is nearly twenty years old and needs to do her 'own thing'...I mean for fucksake I was married at that age!

I am hoping to go to Rome for a weekend and then go see Doge's Palace in Venice at one point. I always wanted to go there and I speak about it in my play, as there was a building across from my old pub in which the play is set and that building had a facade that was modelled on Doge's Palace in Venice!

I stared at it everyday for fifteen years and always yearned to be there and NOW I WILL! I am going to Venice...hurraaahh!

Click on the link and you can see the old building across from my old bar..it's awesome.

http://www.glesga.ukpals.com/Bridgeton/Streets/BRI%20Green2.htm

Monday the 20th of June 2005
07:12:36 PM

Jesus is not a Catholic!

Met a priest today, not formally he is a friend of a friend kinda thing. Anyway he is always a bit wary of me ( I am not a Catholic...in fact I dont have a religion and that bothers him) He comes into a cafe I frequent and the woman there Kelly is a devout Catholic (which is cool) and anyway whenever he comes in everyone fawns over him like he is some sort of Demi-God in his own right and not some dude who smokes more than me drinks more than me and is a local leader of his chosen church. AND my name has GOD..in it!

He asks me do I have any jokes...

me-"Yes but they all involve nuns who get punched for smacking poor kids and single mothers in the 50's, so you wont like my jokes!"

Priest-" That's not funny"

me-"Yes, I know I saw the Magdalene Sisters and it frighten the crap out of me and made me glad my family were non believing devil worshipers"

Priest-"Thats not funny either"

me-" I know it made glad my parents drank so much they could never catch a goat"

Priest-" How was your play in London? Did it go well?"

me-"Yes thanks, I got so scared I would forget my lines I even went into that wee chapel in Soho Square...you know the one St Pats? I sat there and enjoyed the peace and sanctuary and prayed I would not forget my lines"

Priest-" Why did you go in there? You are not a Catholic"

me-"I know I'm not and neither was Jesus but he was in there and he is a Jew, he and I bonded over that fact that we didnt really belong and Jesus accepts my non Catholic-ness being Jewish an' all"

Kelly (my cafe pal)-"Thats blasphemy Janey"

me-"Wait a minute is it just me who knows Jesus is a Jew? This is not news I am bringing to the fold here...is it Mr priest?"

Priest-(Now really annoyed and reluctant to back me up)" Yes he was a Jew"

me-"Is a Jew, he died a jew and that's not bad thing, I mean he didn't die a Jewish person and come back a Catholic did he? It says above the cross on his death 'KING OF THE JEWS' according to legend..erm..the Bible"

Priest-"Erm..that's ture..ok he is a Jew"

me-"Ok then, I am off ...see you all later and if you chat to Jesus in the next few days tell him I loved his Chutzpah"I left the cafe and a dark cloud drifted over the sky above me...oh dear..I have angered someone...

Oh and here is some good news...managed to book Ashley and her father and her pal into the most AMAZING and truly helpful apartment in Amsterdam, I jest not the place is so beautiful and the guys over there at Amsterdam Escape have set them up with a great house to stay. I am so bloody happy that they managed to get the late dates sorted for me. Check the place out http://www.amsterdamescape.com

I love them! Holidays SORTED and I can breathe out...I also managed to get Edinburgh flat sorted all in one day..I am QUEEN!

Tuesday the 21st of June 2005
11:17:13 PM

Glastonbury and Rome

Well I am packed..ready and off to go to Glastonbury. Ashley still thinks we are going to a 'small resort' near a music stage that is bedecked with fountains and sweet smelling flowers, where cool showers run free and electricity is fast flowing throughout.......NO..

Dry caked or wet slopping mud, crazy out of their head comics running mental, cold food, cold tents or blazing hot canvas hell...noise 24-7 and toilets that make Guantanamo Bay look like The Ritz's private suite. She will SCREAM...but that's life! This is the gril who refused to sleep any where in Blackpool other than the Hilton, this is the girl who doesn't even share a toilet at home (she has her own).

Oh how we will laugh.

By the way cherries are cheap just now and I have been sitting eating them for ages and it has just came to me that they taste NOTHING like the 'CHERRY' flavour that we associate cherries with...like Cherry gum or cherry sweets...that is fuck all like cherry's in fact real cherry's taste like grapes only blander..why is that? I have eaten cherry pie and cherry cake...still nothing like real cherry's.

I am off to Rome in two weeks time, I am desperate to get ther and booked the flight last minute but as of yet have no accomodation. Will do that when I get home.

I am off, i will be doing some Radio Show on BBC and stuff...see you all next week.

I will be off line until next Tuesday.

Miss me?

Tuesday the 28th of June 2005
09:24:23 PM

Sex and drugs and rock and roll!

Well gang...its been a while I KNOW! I am back in civilisation. Glastonbury was aweseome.

Its a long story so here goes...

Day one Ashley and I fly to London and meet my mate who will be driving us there. I hire a great car all big and has fully cool air con ( and fuck did we need it!). The weather was BURNING and we are Scottish and not used to the sun. I bought some fold up chairs and a 'Camping Wardrobe' -its basically a tall tent that is slim and good for getting dressed in as I believe that the only people who can get dressed lying down are hookers and nutters and I am neither...well i am a nutter but I can not possibly pull on jeans whilst horizontal!

Ashley assembled the tent and did a great erection ( hee hee), there was a load of really cute young guys around us also doing erections (hee hee..I will never tire of that!) and as I pulled out the sleeping bags I spoke loudly to her and said "Ashley do you want me to zip the two bags together and we can snuggle up tonight?"

She dropped the tent pegs and glared at me as she replied "Why dont you just say I am NEVER going to have sex?"

I looked around at all the young guys giggling as she blushed and huffed around the tent. "Mum I HATE you" she sneered. Oh dear, I may just have ruined her chances of fun at the festival...(good). I contemplated drawing on her head "I HAVE HERPES" as there is no mirrors in Glastonbury that I could see and she would never have known! That would have stopped any flip flapping fungus chewing hippy from trying to touch my preciousness!!

The first day was great, we sat there in the blazing sun chatting with Stewart Lee, Phil Nichol, Simon Munnery and all the other Glastonbury stalwarts...we did of course all feel the empty space that the legendary Mr Malcolm Hardee usually fills up, he died tragically this year in the Thames. He was sorely missed by all his friends who turned up to do a sepcial tribute to him. He booked me last year and although I didn't know him very well, I was very much appreciative of his help and will always respect him for believing in me.

I was worried about Ashley as she was suffering terribly from dreadful hay fever, she could hardly breathe...yet she soldiered on. She fell totally in love with Eleanor. The wee tot is Simon Munnery's daughter, he and his wife Janet also brought their new wee baby ' Grace' but Eleanor who is two years old became Ashley's best mate. Ashley loved her and spent lots of time chasing her and getting the wee tot to chase 'Cabin' also known as Kevin Eldon...who was fucking hilarious beyond belief and Ashley is now a huge fan of the funny man.

Day two started at 5am as rain torrentially battered down in huge fucking crashing waves, the thunder clobbered over the dark sky as if Mother Nature was playing ten pin bowling in a right bad mood and getting strikes everytime-the lightning shrieked out of the thick depressed clouds and sparked around us. I was terrified, I realised my tent was letting in water at the top as I had not secured the wee flap. I had no chance to go to my 'Changing room' and dress accordingly, there was water streaming in, so I forgo the modesty and run in the rain in my knickers and wet vest (not sexy) and could hear Ashley screaming in fear of the storm as I secured our tent, then screaming in shock as she realised her mother was half naked in the rain! I dived back into the tent soaked and Ashley and I sat there until 7am waiting for the storm to subside, yet the rain lashed our wee tent and the lightning made scary shadow puppets on the walls of our tent. We made a decision to get our wellies and waterproofs on and make a run for the green room.

We could not even see five feet in front of us as the rain soaked and blinded us both until we reached sanctuary....yet it wasnt..the green room was in water up to our thighs. This was a huge long tented room with all the tables and full kitchen where we ate, it was frightning to see the place flooded and watch tables float around, bread rolls bobbing up and down, people trying to hold up small kids above the rising tide of dirty water.

Ashley ran back to the campsite to help people and other comics rescue their dry clothes and to check on our campsite, -we were safe! Our tent was on a slight incline and managed to avoid wipe out but some other people could only watch as their tents floated away. She made her way back to the green room and as the small bridge was overwhlemed with the rising tide beneath- she went into the water. I didnt see this as I was in the green room unaware of the danger, but I was told she fell in by other people. She was never in any real danger but I was panicky and was the happiest person alive when she came sludging through that tent flap towards me.

Everyone was in shock at the deluge of water that seemed to surround the cabaret area, we were ok really and we heard horror stories about people up in the camping fields who had the shelters and dry clothes completely wiped out and now the sewage was mixing with flood!

We went from sunburn to drowned rats in hours! After what seemed like hours of rain...the sun began to break through, people started to peel of water proofs and began getting burnt again! There was concern that the cabaret tent would not function and that the show would be pulled...but in true showbiz fashion THE SHOW DID GO ON!

I was nervous about my performance but it all went good, the crowd was busy and everyone was in a good mood as the sun was out again. I wrote on my knees with bright blue ink FUCK RAIN...and made a joke about it onstage. Late on that night as i had shower, I panicked as I seemed to have bright varicous veins...then recalled my home made tattoos! I am a fucking nutter.

Day three saw Brendon Burns lose his voice, he asked me to come with him on an adventure trip to the outside world to collect loads of 'LEGAL' mushrooms to give to the crowd during his performance as part of his protest against the government making these particular mushrooms illegal. They are magic 'shrooms' and apparently very trippy...but I dont take anything like that in case I get a trip I dont like...to be honest this fucking trip I call life was hard enough and I dont need anything to 'Exaggerate or Recall' with my brain!

We actually drove out of the site and into Taunton. I was so excited getting to a service station to piss in a clean loo that I forgot I was wearing dirty shorts with faded swear words on my knees, badger trap hair, no make up and stripy sox and wellies.

People sneered at me and looked at me like I was some kind of fucking tramp ( well I was) that didnt belong in a Travel Lodge bar! (fuckers).

We were on camera the whole time as Paul Provenza was making a documentry about the whole trip for a future project he and Brendan are working on. I cant tell you how awful I must look on that video, I mean I am manky. I would be porn to that dude swampy the eco warrior!

Ok the rest of this blog will resume tomorrow, remind me to tell you of the village that would not let me do a pee, so I pissed on their local churchyard...its all true! see you soon.

Wednesday the 29th of June 2005
11:49:27 PM

Part two of sex drugs and rock and Roll

Ok so here's more about my Glastonbury experience.

I must tell you about the trip Paul Provenza, Brendan Burns, Emery Emery and I took. Paul and Emery were the guys behind the famous 'ARISTOCRATS' movie that is being shown at the Sundance festival this year, they are making a film about their experiences in how humour can affect people. Both of them are top US comics also and Brendan is an OZ comic who lives in UK.

I was initially asked along to help Brendan explain stuff through a series of hand written notes as he had lost his voice, so I agreed and tried to contact Ashley to let her know I was leaving the campsite and going into 'THE OUTSIDE WORLD'. I was excited actually, as if I had never seen a fucking service station...I was really mad manky though and that bothered me as in Glastonbury everyone looks like a fucking drenched refugee on crack but outside people actually were wearing clothes that had never seen flood and piss and had hair that had been blow dried and shiny.

I looked like the woman who ate her own pets.

Weirdly as soon as the van took off and we made it through the crowds of people and various circus acts who were on stilts and uni-cyclists (wot the fuck is that about...? Get another wheel on your bike ya cunt!) anyway after we encountered gold painted people who were pretending to be the folk from Mad Max...we hit the countryside. All the while Brendan started to talk fine (Suddenly I felt as though I had been duped! Where was his 'lost voice'?). No worries I like an adventure, though i was concerned as a drugs run is cool, but I have been in prison before (albiet for one night) due to the guns and explosives being found in my house years ago (read the book) and if anyone is getting really done it will be me.

WE were actually going to pick up Legal Mushrooms...so thats ok..but I was not sure what the guys had on their person..maybe nothing ...and I was just being presumtious?

Back at camp my daughter had witnessed a lot of cocaine snorting, extacsy popping, mushroom tripping and had been offered it as well. I sat back and let her deal with it on her own merit as -after all she goes to University soon and I cannot always be there. She said No thanks-her descision.

Apparently my 19 year old waited until a few guys had popped their pills and she decided to tell them they would piss blood and have a heart attack ( she did this for fun-she is MY daughter remember) so then five guys had a nasty trip and a paranoid night in a wet tent -how we laughed!

Back at the mushroom run, we stopped at this Travel Lodge for the meeting of the mushroom man and I was excited to pee in a clean loo, I did however forget that I looked like a fat crack whore who let cats piss on her.

I watched people sneer at me, and I wanted to shout "Oi, I have daughter who has a private education, I own my own home, I owned nine flats and a pub, I own an IPOD, I have diamonds at home, I wear Gucci...I am at GLASTONBURY ya prejudiced fuckers" But I didn't . I merely dropped my head and let my badger trap hair hide my dirty face. I was 'unclean'.

We collected the Mushrooms and headed back to camp, we started to get worried because Paul Provenza was due on stage and we had to get through the gates before 9-30pm as thats when they shut the big gates and disallow anymore entries. At exactly 9-29pm we bumped the big van through BLUE Gate 2 and headed to the cabaret area, as perfomers we get a decent campsite with our cars onsite behind the cabaret tent. Paul made the stage-we made it through without anyone checking our van.

Everytime we were stopped at various checkpoints we all sat and said to camera "These are not the droids you are looking for" and EVERY security man let us through without question-so -that shit works!

I am sorry but there is no sex in this story, I wish there were but to be honest...I dont think anyone...even drugfucked comics would offer me sex!

BUT Ashley was offered sex and kisses, she looked like a hammer head shark with her hay fever and she only had an ability to produce copius amounts of nasal fluids and she needed her mouth to actually breathe as neither of her nostrils worked. So kissing was out..it would have killed her. Poor baby.

So I have to tell you about my book and stuff as well as things happened when I was gone. Firstly my book is number three in the Scottish book charts in WH Smith and secondly I got my first real book review in the Herald Newspaper that had the headline "Now That Connolly Has Gone Posh-Glasgow Needs a Godley" and then in OK magazine they had also a book review four stars! , I was on the same page as famous celebs!

So we had fun at Glastonbury and we packed up and headed for home. We stopped outside Pilton in a small village to buy petrol and stock up in snacks at a petrol station. The station had a sign that said "Toilet out of order". So after buying goods I skipped across to the local hotel and they too had a sign that said "Toilets out of order".

The big fat barman stood there as I asked "Excuse me if I buy a drink can you let me pee?"

Weirdman-"No, you lot from Pilton have broke it"

me-"I think you will find you are the fucker with a monobrow from PILTON and I am Scottish, so therefore dont accuse me of being 'odd' and if this toilet is only for 'locals' then you have no idea how fucking much like Royston Vasey you are dude!"

weirdman-" My toilet is broke"

me-"Come on, there cant be a fucking plumbing outbreak, I wont pee on the floor, ok..then how do the locals in here pee?"

Weirdman looked flustered and stuttered out "We can go home"

me-"Isn't this hotel your home? Do the rooms upstairs not have toilets? Or do you have a big phobia of ANYONE peeing in your loo's?, Let me use your toilet ya strange flipped out inbreed wooly sheep toucher"

weirdman-"No"

me-"Where is the church?"

weirdman-"Round the corner"

me-"Good I am off to piss in your local churchyard"

With that I slammed the door and by now my bladder was like a scatter cushion, hanging heavy and hurting, leaning into my ovaries and making me an angry person with badger hair.

I found the church in seconds, an ominous big over blown building (as usual, peasants starve and the church thrive), the grounds were vast and there was so many other grand buildings attached to it, that it was confusing, but I found the front door.

The local minister and God Botherer stood there smiling at me.

Me-"Excuse me- it seems everyone in this village has broken toilets, can I use yours sir?"

God Botherer-"I am sorry but we welcome Christians only"

me-(yet again with this story)-"Is Jesus in there?"( I pointed to the church)

God Botherer-"Yes of course"

me-"He is Jewish, does that make him Christian-can i come in and have a quick pee please?"

God Botherer-"No"

me-"Fine I am off to piss in your graveyard, go call the police or whatever, or maybe watch...I dont know but either way I am pissing in that there graveyard"

And I did.

I am sure there must be some law against it and I am sure it is highly offensive, but even Jesus would agree with me.

Thursday the 30th of June 2005
10:12:45 PM

Book review

Am getting packed for Rome, seems all I do is pack and unpack that damn suitcase. I am slightly worried about the heat in Italy apparently the heat is scorching so I had to go buy factor 30 coz I am Scottish and will fry like a wee egg as soon as I hit the tarmac over there.

I have never been to Italy but am excited, cant wait to hurl abuse at the Nazi Pope...maybe he too thinks Jesus is a Catholic! I will set him staright. I am also disgusted that Sir Goodytwoshoes Geldof has invited the Pope to Live 8.

I am appalled, this is the man who represents a religion who have let thousands die due to the ignorance of AIDS in Africa.

I am allowed my opinion and am sorry if that offends some people ( am not really- but feel I cannot press my opnion on people).

Anyway here is my first book review.http://www.theherald.co.uk/features/41880.html

I am pleased with it. I like the constructive critisisms, he did make a mistake in the above review, read the bit near the end of it - it mentions  me taking people to join the Cathcart LABOUR party-it was in fact the CONSERVATIVE party...but he is allowed to make a mistake.

I have a huge spot on my chin and am worried I will have a nasty period in the Vatican city....imagine me all angry with tufty hair and hormonal issues faced with the Catholic Church.

It will be fun fun fun.